Voices
I've just gotten round to reading something that Karol wrote in her diary a few days ago that really resonated with me. It's strange I've had, almost word-for-word, exactly the same thoughts and experiences recently. Even down to a guy saying "you've got balls doing what you're doing".
Just recently I've been getting two conflicting voices in my head. One says...
"What the hell do you think you're doing going out dressed like this? You're running away from reality. I thought you wanted to find someone? You're never going to meet a girl if you look like this, they're not looking for trannies. And you're not gay, so why the hell are you in a gay club?"
The other voice says:
"Yeah but... this is part of who I am. I can't just put this away forever. I need any future partner to see this part of me first. Not just tell them about it, think that they're okay with it, and then watch the slow creeping death of the relationship as they slowly realise they're not happy with it. Somewhere out there is someone who wants to have fun with this with me. Not just tolerate this part of me. And that person will also see that if Becky's just one aspect of a kind, funny, intelligent man who's saved up a big ball of love and is ready to give it to someone."
Wow.
I just let that second voice speak out loud... and it had a lot more to say.
Hesitating whether to publish this...
...what the hell. [click]
Just recently I've been getting two conflicting voices in my head. One says...
"What the hell do you think you're doing going out dressed like this? You're running away from reality. I thought you wanted to find someone? You're never going to meet a girl if you look like this, they're not looking for trannies. And you're not gay, so why the hell are you in a gay club?"
The other voice says:
"Yeah but... this is part of who I am. I can't just put this away forever. I need any future partner to see this part of me first. Not just tell them about it, think that they're okay with it, and then watch the slow creeping death of the relationship as they slowly realise they're not happy with it. Somewhere out there is someone who wants to have fun with this with me. Not just tolerate this part of me. And that person will also see that if Becky's just one aspect of a kind, funny, intelligent man who's saved up a big ball of love and is ready to give it to someone."
Wow.
I just let that second voice speak out loud... and it had a lot more to say.
Hesitating whether to publish this...
...what the hell. [click]
Labels: transvestism
No, they don't. But at the same time, no-one really knows what we are hon. And in all honesty, being a trannie is only a tiny part of who Becky is.
And if you get desperate, stick your tongue down a guy's throat. That's how I met Kath.
(I reserve the right to delete this)
You stuck your tongue down a guy's throat and met Kath as a result?
Brain has now melted trying to work this out.
But there really is no reason why you can't meet someone. Yeah there will be conditionality and restrictions but you get that in any relationship with a woman.
And there is some truth in the advice siobhan gives to just sticjk your tongue down the throat of your love interest... after all she's probably as nervous and insecure as you.
And the dressing thing needn't be a huge issue in a relationship... I've had long term relationships in which dressing became part of things.
Admittedly Miss C is fairly unique (that's the polite way of putting it) but you'd be surprised I think about the number of women out there that probably wouldn't have too great a problem with things, if they know everything from the get go.
And as with anything, if it does happen it'll be when you least expect it and somewhere completely unexpected. I think the whole socialising 'off-scene' is a great idea, as to be frank you ain't gonna meet Ms. Right at TX etc.
Gay clubs are safe havens for women and women who go to gay clubs usually have something about them. So I reckon you could be on a winner.
At the end of the day though, I think you need to listed to voice two, as you are.
At least your Voice One doesn't say, as mine does, "You're fackin weird buddy!" But I know that I am what I am and that I'm not complete unless I dress-up and get to express my feminine interests...even Voice One acknowledges that I am trangendered and that there's nothing weird about that aspect of me.
Keep the faith and never rule anything out.... Voice 2 is the one to listen to.
And I was really offended when a girl I was chattin to, en femme, asked if I was gay. "No offence" just doesn't cut it!
But it does make us happy doesn't it? Doesn't it? Tricky isnt it?
Spot on Becky. I must admit I was shocked that someone actually reads my midnight musings but I'm glad you did.
I've been out with a girl who loved and lusted after Karol so I know it can happen. But as a result I now can't even imagine attempting to meet someone as a guy. I think that’s one of the reasons why I seem to be out all the time these days [as Karol].
But the side effect is that I'm constantly coming up against other peoples preconceptions (hence my diary piece). I think its quiet understandable that people might think I'm gay, it's when they don’t believe me when I tell them otherwise that I get frustrated.
One of my female friends summed it up when she pointed out "you're a niche". And finding someone who’s interested in a niche is always going to be a challenge.
"One says...
"What the hell do you think you're doing going out dressed like this? You're running away from reality.""
"Reality is in the perception of the beholder." - that's wot I say!
Donna
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