Flip
Do you recognise this classic optical illusion? Look at it one way and it appears to be a beautiful woman, looking to the left and away from you, her eyelash just visible around the curve of her cheek. Look at it another way and it appears to be an old crone looking towards you, with a large nose and a pointed chin. See it?
The point I want to make is you can't see them both at the same time. You can see one, and then your perception "flips" and you see it another way.
My brain seems to work in a similar way. One minute I see something one way, the next something flips and the same thing seems completely different. Sometimes it flips back, sometimes it doesn't.
Take as an example Second Life. When I first ventured into this online world my first impressions were it was a glorified chat-room with pretty pictures. It took me a while to "get" what it was about, and for a while it was a lot of fun. I allowed my pre-conceptions to fade and found a lot of pleasure in making things in the world, shopping for my virtual avatar, and meeting people in an unique online environment.
I was busy for a while and couldn't go in for a few days. Then the other day I logged back in and something had "flipped". The whole thing seemed pointless and aimless. I could make something, or go buy something for my avatar... but it wouldn't have any reality or meaning in the real world, so why bother? It's just a bunch of pixels on the screen, and I don't need to hammer my graphics card with a lot of fancy graphics just to chat to friends online.
The thing is, the fun exciting Second Life that I enjoyed a few weeks ago still exists, Siobhan, Miss K, and a few thousand other people will tell you that. I just can't engage with it any more. Maybe it'll "flip back" and I'll start enjoying it again. I don't know.
The same thing happens sometimes when I dress en-femme. I'll get done up to the nines, look in the mirror and see... Simon wearing a dress and makeup. The old crone instead of the beautiful woman. It used to worry me, especially as I'd made so much effort, but these days it doesn't. Because I know with any luck later in the evening I'll catch my reflection in a mirror, and ... flip ... there stands Becky. For a few brief seconds I'm given a broadband connection to all the joyous, sensuous, exiting, "girlish" feelings that make it all worthwhile. Moments like that are pure Tranny Crack , and I'm addicted.
Labels: transvestism
Went in today for the first time in a week.. crashed after 5 mins and didn't go back.
However, the "Stephen in a frock" experience is very familiar.
BUT, even then, it's fun. The anticipation, the preparation, the whole "tranny-rush" is fun - even if the final result isn't what you want.
Last week it wasn't fun.
First time that has ever happened to me. Even before I looked in the mirror I was wondering why the hell I was doing this. Anybody else had a "non-fun tranny experience"?
As for SL well getting broadband allowed me to get in there and see things reasonably well even though I freeze at times. I find it confusing and complicated but have a couple of friends in there so right now, at this minute, Im perservering with it. Dont think its worth forking out for a new graphics card though, being as everything else I do runs just fine. SL is Kind of like life sometimes, seeing 80% perfection.
As for the richard/rachel thing I just see me either with or without wig/ladies clothes/make-up.
And as it happens, I don't dress up at home. For me it's the getting out and seeing my TG friends. Mind you, now that some of my "regular" friends have been out with Rachel I'd include them as well.
For me the "Flip" is based on the fact that when I've got a dress or ladies trousers, etc. on it seems incongruent to think of myself as Richard, but that's perhaps more to do with how others perceive/interact with me in "en-femme" mode (I hate that phrase, en-femme).
Another aspect is that I don't see myself as two separate people either.
I know I haven't reached an explanation that will provide any definitive answers, but it's taken about 45 years to get here, and I'm comfortable with it so what the heck...
Good to see others perspectives on this.
How true.
Post a CommentPermalink Subscribe to comments: this post | all posts
<< T*Blog Home