How to make convenient microwave porridge
- Boldly rip sachet asunder and empty contents into bowl.
- Look at instructions on back of packet to see how much milk to add.
- Get a different packet because the instructions on the first one have been boldly ripped asunder and are unreadable.
- Spend ten minutes looking for a measuring jug because you've no idea what a millilitre looks like.
- Wash measuring jug because it's been in the back of the cupboard so long it's developed a patina of filth.
- Carefully measure out correct amount of milk and add to the bowl. Stir well.
- Look at runny mess in bowl. Conclude that instructions were written by fools who like their porridge far too sloppy.
- Empty runny mess into sink. Get a new bowl.
- Boldly rip new sachet asunder and empty contents into bowl.
- Add what you think is the right amount of milk. Stir well.
- Look at instructions on back of packet to see how long to microwave it for.
- Get a different packet because the instructions on the first and second ones have been boldly ripped asunder and are unreadable.
- Put bowl in microwave and cook as per guidelines.
- Retrieve bowl from microwave.
- Poke folornly at solid inedible lump of porridge at bottom of bowl. Realise that oats require far more liquid during the cooking process than you thought, and that the instruction writers knew what they were talking about after all.
- Scrape as much of the glue-like porridge into the bin as you can. Leave bowl for washing up and get a third bowl.
- Carefully rip third sachet asunder and empty contents into bowl.
- Carefully measure milk in measuring jug and pour into bowl.
- Put bowl in microwave and cook as per guidelines.
- Don't leave to cool because you're already running late. Fork piping hot porridge into your mouth, suffering first degree burns. Chuck the bowl in the sink with the other two and go to work.
- Come home. Spend an hour washing up 3 bowls with dried porridge welded to them.
Mmm... convenient.
1. Wake up... :)
(prepares to suffer consequences of comment)
If I'm gonna have to wake up first, I might as well make something I'd enjoy... like a full English breakfast!
How true - just look at grits. The name's bad enough. (Kath, what exactly ARE they?)
I wonder if the kitchen is where trannies get the worst of both worlds? We don't have the extensive familiarity, and instructions are for wimps (even more so if you're techie - reading manuals is instant loss of geek-cred). The "instant-concrete" porridge, Becky, is an old friend; if you're looking to enliven your kitchen experience further may I recommend:
* cooking scrambled eggs on a high flame because you're in a hurry. Burnt egg should be used on the Space Shuttle to fix the tiles, it just doesn't come off. Even from so-called "Non-stick" pans. Pah!
* being liberal with the pectin in home-made jam, for an interesting "slice" texture. Escaped dribbles of jam also solidify to look unpleasantly like leeches and can be a focal point of conversation at dinner parties.
* deciding that boiling, rather than frying, hash browns makes far more sense. Makes far more of a grey gloopy sludge, that competes with the egg and the jam for uber-stickiness.
* the "those chillis look rather small; let's have four/six/eight" attitude to spicing up your life (season according to stupidity). Made even crueller when you're on a student budget and can't afford to throw away food.
* cooking risotto. I did it once. Or at least, started it once; it takes so long you loose the will to live/go crazed with hunger/decide that you'd rather have pizza.
I'm so grateful to the modern fast food industry; it's saved me from some horrible sticky food-related death, I'm sure.
As for the kitchen not being the best place for a tranny, all I can say is *pfft*. I like cooking and know my way around a kitchen quite well. I don't own (or even wish to own) a microwave, let alone cook a 'ready' meal. The closest I get to that is preparing my own pizza's.
Post a CommentPermalink Subscribe to comments: this post | all posts
<< T*Blog Home