Middle Earth Rhapsody

So a musical version of The Lord of the Rings has been released, to less-than-glowing reviews. Part of the problem, the critics say, is that they’ve tried to condense a huge three-volume work into one evening’s entertainment.

I say the problem is that they didn’t go far enough. Why not condense the whole thing into just one song? Much more convenient, I think you’ll agree.

Middle Earth Rhapsody
(to the tune of... oh you'll work it out)

(Enter Frodo)Is this the One Ring?
Or is this just fantasy?
Caught up in Big Things,
No escape thru invisibility.
Come on Samwise,
Put down your shears and fleeeee.
I’m just a Hobbit, I have no destiny.
But I need to run, need to go,
(Samwise)Right you are. Mas-ter Frodo.
(Frodo)The road goes ever on and on, doesn’t really matter to me…
To me.

(Enter Gollum) Gollum, I just killed my bro,
Put my hands against his neck,
Squeezed them tightly, now he’s dead.
Gollum, but I got the Ring,
And then I went and threw it all away,
Gollum, ooo-oo-oooo.
Didn’t mean to lose the thing,
If I don’t get it back, there will be sorrow,
My precious, my precious, nothing else really matters.

(Frodo) Too late, my time has come,
The ring is heavy on it’s twine,
Shoulder’s aching all the time.
Goodbye everybody – I’ve got to go.
Gotta leave the Fellowship and find the Cracks of Doom.
Mordor! Ooo-ooo-oo,
I don’t want to die.
I sometimes wish I’d never got this ring at all.

(All)I see a little silhouetto of a dwarf,
Saruman, Saruman, did you burn the Fangorn down?
Uruk-Hai and Witch Kings, very very frightening me.
Galadriel. Galadriel. Galadriel. Galadriel.
Galadriel and Frodo!
Magnifico!

(Strider)I’m just a ranger, nobody loves me.
(All)He’s just a ranger, with a long family tree.
Saving the lives of the Hobbits in Bree.

(Saruman)Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
(Ents)Hoom-hurrum! We will not let you go.
(Wormtongue) Let him go!
(Ents)Hoom-hurrum! We will not let you go.
(Wormtongue) Let him go!
(Ents)Hoom-hurrum! We will not let you go.
(Saruman) Let me go!
(Ents)We will not let you go.
(Saruman) Let me go!
(Ents)We will not let you go.
(Saruman) Let me go!
(Ents) No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(Saruman)  Men of Rohan, Men of Rohan, Men of Rohan, let me go.
Barad-dur has put aside a place for me, for me, for meeeeee!

(Gollum)So you think you can trust me to lead you inside?
But I’ll take you to Her and then leave you to die!
Oh, Shelob, you’ll be eaten by Shelob.
Just gotta get up, just gotta get up the Long Stair.

(Frodo)No ring on my finger. Nine fingers, you see.
No ring on my finger...
No ring on my finger... not me.

The road goes ever on and on.