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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

A Salute to Protea Publishing

I freely admit it, I'm obsessed with Protea Publishing, the vanity publishing guys responsible for unleashing Off the Hook into the world. Every couple of days or so I'm drawn back to the site to peruse their sample covers and look deeper into the other services they provide.

If you're looking for a good thriller, might I recommend:

Dustjacket of Unfinished Business by Charles M. Kemp

All the elements of a good yarn: guns, flowers and seedy-looking shops! Let's read the blurb!

Internet dating can be fun but for Harry, Sheila and Teresa it's anything but, as they encounter heart breaking and dangerous times involved in romantic affairs. Harry an ordinary worker has a romantic affair with a Senator's daughter (Sheila) and ends up being hated by a powerful and infuential mother who want to get even with him for harm that she thought he caused her daughter. During Sheila's school days there was very little peace for her parents because they got phone calls from people with threats of kidnapping Sheila for ransom, to raping her in the high school hallway. Her parents worried that one day something harmful would really happen to Sheila. So they put Sheila in a private school with tight security. During her High school years she never had a chance to choose her own friends, they were chosen for her. The friends that were chose for her were children of other politicians who lived near her. Harry's parents were very different than Sheila's parents. His father was a construction worker and his mother was a bank teller who often argued about money. The x girlfriend (Teresa) faces pain and sorrow when she leaves Harry and falls in love with Arthur who turns out to be a bomb who plays females for money. Teresa's heart turns to sorrow when she visits a woman of statue and finds out that she also was one of arthur's victims. A fast pace novel full of adventure, drama, excitement and thrill from start to finish.

"A fast pace novel"? You're telling me. I'm worn out and confused from just reading the dust jacket! Particularly exciting is the guy who turns out to be a bomb! I would have never have seen that one coming. Shame they gave it away on the back cover, really.

I haven't got a copy of the book, but I imagine that chapter would read something like this.
"Oh Arthur, we have to stop meeting outside these darkened shopfronts," said Teresa, idly scraping dried rose petals off her pistol.

"But you know we have to darling," said Arthur. "At least until your new life insurance policy clears. Tick."

"What was that?"

"What was what? Tick."

"You just ticked!"

"No I didn't!" Arthur replied defensively. "You must be hearing things... Tick."

"Arthur, why are you ticking?"

Teresa never heard the answer, as at that moment a pickup schreeched round the corner and began barrelling down the sidewalk towards them. At the wheel was the distinctive smooth and armless silhouette of the Venus De Milo. Teresa shrieked.

The Woman of Statue was back.
Sorry.

I could milk this website goldmine (way to mix metaphors, Bex) for months. I probably will milk it for months, but for now I'm going to finish with a quick look at it's other major highlight: the portrait painting service.

Send them (actually I'm starting to think that Protea might be just one guy) a Polaroid of a loved one and they'll painstakingly reproduce it as a "proper" oil painting.

Recently they must have had a special on for boss-eyed soldiers...

A particularly ugly looking soldier.

...and...



for example.

I'm sure that they don't really look like that. Well, I hope they don't look like that. Maybe that's what happens to you after a tour of duty in America's forces. They're probably handsome, upstanding war heroes.

One thing for certain, they almost certainly don't deserve me making this when I realised whilst editing the pics that switching between the two quickly was kinda funny.

Blogger Joanna  So do you reckon if you sent them So You Want to be a Transvestite? They would get it published? I reckon it would fit into their portfolio very well... 
Blogger Becky  What, you're suggesting I wouldn't get a PROPER publisher for it!? How dhare you! ;-) 
Blogger Kris  A friend of mine got given one of those vanity publishing novels once. Presumably by a vain, unpublishable person. I flicked through it years ago and I swear, every single line read like this:

"I'm going in there!" said Jack, haughtily.
"But you can't!" exclaimed Alice fearfully.
"Let him!" said Ralph cockily, "He'll only get himself killed!" 
Blogger hannaviolane  Ah no wonder the US military has such a reputation for 'friendly fire' incidents!....its all become clear now 
Blogger Billy  Your example chapter is brilliant. "The Woman of Statue" indeed! :) 
Blogger corin  I think this whole thing is false [tick]. No-one would ever build a human bomb that could be heard ticking [tick]. By the way, if I appraoch you just remember that I am perfectly safe to be around [tick]. In no way am I dangerous [tick]. Honest [tick]. 
Anonymous Tiffany  ...what bothers me most are the grammatical errors. But we know this is not a very good publisher. Um. 
Blogger Julie Budd  Ahh...so they weren't really boss-eyed.
We want the next chapter! 
Blogger Sweet William Tokyo  Becky,
I just have to thank you for the genuine belly laugh you just gave me. I just spent an hour looking at your blog. Started with "Off the Hook" and then built to a sweet climax with the man-bomb and the "woman of statue." Was already funny in the blurb, but your continuation was too much. I am still chuckling. By the way, I'm an American, "sort of black" (mixed-race) dude living in Tokyo - and I actually talk like Mr. Miller at times. This was some funny-ass shit. Thank you! Word. William 
Blogger SunFlowerBreeze  I came across your site quite by accident and was shocked and appalled by you comments on the soldiers pictures.
First of reguardless of what these men look like they are putting their lives on the line to serve their country and deserve more respect then what you are giving them.
I guess in your perfect little fantasy world everyone would look like a model.But guess what this is the real world.And not everyone looks like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine.
You yourself said you did not know if these pictures were real or not, so why would you even say something like that? How would you feel as that person coming across this web site or better yet a family member of one of those brave soldiers who just may have come home in a box.Did you ever think maybe that is why the portraits may have been painted?
Many people in this country have lost love ones in the service and they would be very hurt and outraged also to see someone like you trying to get a little chuckle at the expense of a soldier.
Because reguardless of how anyone feels about this war the men and women fighting it deserve all our support and respect.They don't want to be over there any more then we want them to be over there.
When Uncle Sam is looking for a soldier he sure doesn't care what he looks like and neither does the enemy,the bullets or the bombs.Model looks or "homely" they will all die the same if the bullet or bomb finds its mark. 
Anonymous GrayShine  AHAHAHAHA, Sunflower... lol'd so hard. 
Anonymous American Soldier  Make fun of us, but you all are welcome that you don't speak German as a first language right now. You have the luxury and freedom to make your sad little shallow criticism because of normal men and women that put their lives on the line so that you have that freedom. So laugh away, we will protect you from wearing a bhurka- OH YEAH, you guys across the pond are letting your societies cave to terrorist, radical elements because you lack the backbone to do the right thing anyway. You are truly sad, pathetic people, but I will continue to put my life on the line so that you don't become the slaves you deserve to be. 
Anonymous Soldiers' Angel Beth  Ah yes the truly pathetic, prissy, wimpy, Europeans. Where you can never tell who the men and the women are. Make fun as you will of those that saved your asses time and time again. But because of our American Blood being spilled (go to Normandy and see if you can stand there at those graves and still run your mouth) YOU are able to live and speak freely. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I visit our wounded, they are brave determined young men, your comments make me sick. I would love for you to have to face these men on the battlefield or in a hospital and say the same things. YOU are what is wrong with this world. What you should say and what I expect you to say after reading this is. THANK YOU SOLDIER. 
Anonymous Anonymous  I think all u pro-soldier people r dumb ass numb nut fu*kers. of course they don't wanna b there. and as for WWII u americans r an insignificant petty race almost on par with the french. u think ur big with ur money, army, weapons & stolen land but u get ur asses kicked every time unless the english come & save u. ur all like headless chickens in battle - all red neck & dumb... hey there Cletus boy!

just do us a favour & stay on your side of the pond huh? stole enough land to annihilate urselves x leave the rest of the world to progress.

U go Becky... 
Anonymous sarah p  typcial cheese eating surrender monkey, mocking, moaning and misunderstanding

meaning of mixed metaphoares of art and photography, celebrating the heros of amerika, who we should all salute...

I dont know what its cumming too in the UK if you make mokery of these wonderful pictures - infact you should put on some cammieflage sometime girly and get


dirty in some ditch dodging stray rounds - but I guess youd

enjoy that? instead take time reading these pointless longwinded comments and keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!??????? (vie komma ich am bestem zum krankhaus bitte?) 
Anonymous The artist  The two soldier pictures above are my art work and are copywritten images my permission was not given for them to be posted on this site remove them or I will seek the removal of your site 
Anonymous Anonymous  Boy, they are ugly. I used to be a soldier but luckily not an American one, we were allowed to keep our senses of humour. 

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