The Great Tranny Drought of '06

From our trans-environmental reporter.

At first I thought it was just me, but trannies up and down the country have been reporting the same thing: we're in the middle of the greatest Tranny Drought of recent memory. Trannies just aren't dressing, and even when they do they're finding the experience unrewarding and vaguely unsettling.

The signs are there for everyone to see. Tranny clubs that were overflowing this time last year, today appear more like deserts. And tranny blog feeds have, in some cases, reduced to a trickle.

Tranny levels in some parts of the country have got so low that the authorities have been forced to take drastic steps. I spoke to Jocasta Kittenstrangler, chairtranny of Thames Valley Associated Transpersons (TVAT) about their plans to overcome the drought.

"At first glance our measures might seem counter-intuitive," she told me. "We actually aim to reduce the levels of femininity in an area."

"And why's that?" I asked, putting my hand to my chin in a sincerely inquisitive manner.

"The idea is to 'dam' the remaining tranny levels in that area and force them to the surface. We find that when trannies are forced into not dressing, tranny levels eventually rise to well above their usual levels. The first step is a hose ban."

"A hose ban?" I asked with a raised eyebrow, during the filming of my cutaway shots about half an hour after she'd left.

"Yes," she said. "We ban the sale of all types of hose. Stockings, tights, hold-ups, etc. It's suprising how much trannies miss this luxury. Particularly the gardener trannies, who like to wear fishnets under their corduroys while they're pottering around the allotment on a Saturday."

"I see, and what if that's not enough?" I countered probingly.

"In extreme cases we might introduce communal pipe-stands," she answered. "But that really would be a last resort. We've not done that since 1976."

1976. So long ago that most trannies would have been too young to really appreciate it at the time. So I spoke to Martine Tulip, a "golden girl" tranny who remembers the Summer of '76 all too well. We met up in the pub she now owns in the East End of London.

"Oh yes, I remember the pipe-stands," she said, laughing into her pint. "They put one down our street. We didn't 'arf laugh."

"What was it, exactly?"

"A stand for pipes. You know. Like what you smoke. The man from the council comes and puts it up and loads it with pipes and tobacco and says 'This ere's for you trannies what ain't dressing'."

"And did it help?"

"Not arf, I took one puff and caught a glace of meself in a mirror. I looked such a geezer I immediately ran and put on the wife's wedding dress. The 'ole street were out in the street partying in frocks. It was just like the Blitz! The repartee was luvverly."

So, perhaps hose bans and pipe-stands are a possible solution to counter this current drought, but the question still remains: what's causing the problem in the first place? Back to Jocasta.

"It's to do with global warming," she said.

"I'm not an expert in tranny climatology," I replied humbly. "But surely that would increase Tranny levels?"

"Not necessarily, it's all to do with the Gurl stream, a cultural current that flows from America. The UK is right in the middle of it, and it keeps tranny levels in the UK artificially high. There are signs that some parts of the Gurl stream have already shut down."

"That's just bollocks, isn't it?"

"Er... yes. I just wanted to use the Gurl/Gulf pun."

So there you have it. Tranny levels at nearly an all time low, so much so that next month Manchester (traditionally a net exporter) is being forced to pipe in trannies from elsewhere. And no-one really knows why.

Although I think maybe it's just something in the water.