A Sparkle Spotter's Guide

or How to Recognise Different Types of Tranny from a Long Way Away

With Sparkle just around the corner, many newbie trannies will be taking the opportunity to debut for the first time in public. Equally, many dyed-in-the-wool trannies will be looking for something to actually do at Sparkle once they've exhausted the entertainment potential of The Tranny Hall of Mirrors and the Seminar About Trannies During WWII*.

So if you're coming to Sparkle and you want to make it just that little bit more fun, why not bring along a copy of the Sparkle Spotter's Guide, and check off each type of tranny that you see?

*Note: that these might not be actual events at Sparkle, I couldn't be arsed to visit the site and get real ones.

The Distant Starer

Often spotted at furthest side of a bar or club from where you're standing. Usually on their own, holding a drink and just staring at you in a way that suggests that either:

1. They know you and they're kind of miffed that you haven't recognised them and come over and said hello.


2. They've recognised you from a picture in Repartee and think you're some kind of tranny superstar, but they're too scared to come over and talk to you.


3. They're a contract killer who has only dressed up as a lady to blend in, and is actually here to kill you.

Most likely to say: nothing. Just stare.

Spotted:          Date & Time:                            Location:

The Entertaining Drunk

More common towards the end of the evening. Can be seen in various locations so sometimes hard to track down. Try looking:

1. on the dance floor in the middle of a zone of safety created by the other dancers (sometimes called a "Trance Bubble").


2. by the canal, being consoled by a slightly less drunk friend and occasionally leaning over the wall to increase the canal water's already impressive pollution levels.


3. in Napoleon's mirrored dance hall picking a fight with their reflection.

Most likely to say: Letcsh all go to Naps! It'sch great ininin... in there!

Spotted:          Date & Time:                            Location:

The Midget Sex Maniac

A tranny about 4 foot tall that seems to have been imbued with the pent-up sexual tension of an entire teenage girl's slumber party.

Look for:

1. Bare midriff displaying a slogan painted on in lipstick, eg "Slut Princess".


2. A tendency to dance in a manner somewhat akin to a Jack Russell making love to your leg.


3. The surrounding loose mob of tranny fanciers, each given the occasional wink and each under the horribly erroneous impression that they've pulled.

Most likely to say: I'm such a slut, me!

Spotted:          Date & Time:                            Location:

The Albatross

That tranny who you used to talk to a lot on the internet when you were still in the closet, but you dumped unceremoniously from your contacts list when you realised that they were weird / annoying / deathly dull / creepy / sociopathic (delete as appropriate), and who you haven't actually told you were going to be at Sparkle even though you promised them you'd let them know the next time you were out. Has a tendency to sneak up behind you during a conversation with someone else and say "hello stranger!" in a way that makes the skin on the back of your neck bunch up into your skull, and then engage you in an hour-long conversation guaranteed to make you want to top yourself within 5 seconds.

Possible conversation openers:

1. "So I told you I decided I'm transsexual now, right?"


2. "What road did you come up on? I swear by the B159972"


3. "So why doesn't your mobile number seem to work anymore?"

Most likely to say: "I thought you said you left the country?"

Spotted:          Date & Time:                            Location:

The Hanger-On

Deep down they realise they don't quite fit into the tranny scene, but they haven't managed to find a group that caters for their fetish, so they tag along with the trannies instead. Probably in a belief that a crowd of trannies will act as a protective barrier from the great unwashed, and that trannies are so open-minded that they'll accept anything (when in fact behind their back all the trannies are whispering "what the fuck is that supposed to be?").

Difficult to pin down in appearance, but costumes may include:

1. adult-sized baby clothing (of either sex)


2. patterned lace body stockings that leave very little to the imagination


3. one-piece baggy clown jumpsuits complete with curly wig and clown makeup (you think I'm joking, don't you?)

Most likely to say: "This cost me £1000, I had to get it made especially. Can you believe that?"

Spotted:          Date & Time:                            Location:

That's your lot for now. Good luck Spotters!