Am I a transsexual?

One of the reasonably common misconceptions amongst the TG community is that "all transvestites are basically transsexuals who can't/won't own up to it".

Admittedly it's mainly transsexuals who hold this opinion. That doesn't make all transsexuals morons, of course. Just the ones who think that it's true.

(I think that qualifying statement will once again spare me the wrath of the entire TS community for another day.)

But transvestites and cross-dressers who have no intention of taking the TS route would be forgiven for worrying if maybe they're hiding their innermost feelings from themselves. Maybe they are fooling themselves without realising it. Maybe there's a inevitable mental process going on in the background, which one day will make you decide that you want to be a woman full time.

And, even scarier, maybe this mental process then re-writes your memories so that you think you always wanted to be a woman. After all, you often hear transsexuals say stuff like "of course, I knew deep down I wanted to be a woman, I was just afraid of admitting it to myself."

So, as an aid for those transvestites who might be worrying along these lines, I present some tips on how to spot a pre-TS TV, by which I mean someone who's actually a transsexual and is pretending to be a transvestite/cross-dresser until they're ready to own up to it.

Just read the following traits and score accordingly.

Trait 1: Growing your own hair. If your hair is bob length, and you're not in a Beatles tribute band; or if your wig's currently perched on a massed thatch that's "not quite ready to be shown off yet" because it resolutely refuses to grow back over the shiny bit at the front - score 1 point.

Trait 2: The "Blatantly Obvious Secret". If you pepper your blog/forum posts with comments such as:

• "I just wonder if I'm being honest with myself."
• "I wonder sometimes if things would have turned out differently if I'd never married."
• "I hate labels, but I guess I'd describe myself as transgendered".

and other statements that you think make you sound wonderfully unknowable and non-commital, but actually make everyone think you're fooling yourself - Score 2 points.

Trait 3: Passing. If your idea of the pinnacle of TG achievement is a dressed-down visit to Meadowhall to buy a beige jumper without being clocked as a bloke - score 2 points.

Trait 4: Knowing far too much about the process. If the first thing you think of when you hear the words "Charing Cross" isn't railway station; if you don't have problems with referring to private medical consultants as "Uncle"; or if you've run the online COGIATI test so often you know how to get the secret easter-egg "You're actually Kylie!" ending - score 1 point.

If you scored zero, then be rest assured you're not (unknowingly or otherwise) harbouring latent desires to go the transsexual route.

If you've scored one or more points, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a transsexual. But it does mean that your tranny friends who've read this (or have a grain of personal experience) probably think you are.

If you scored 6 points... stop messing about, own up to being a transsexual and put us all out of our misery!

(A "I'm only joking" wink smiley is available for this post. If you'd like one, please send a stamped addressed envelope to BECKYSWEB c/o Microsoft Plc, 1 Microsoft Way Ste 8, Redmond, WA 98052-8300)