How to give a sex offender a pill

The UK government have outlined plans to help prevent sex offenders from re-offending by providing them with libido-reducing drugs on a voluntary basis.

I listened to the Home Secretary answering questions on this policy that were sent in by the public. One of the most popular questions was:

"Why is it vouluntary!? Why can't we force them to take the drugs!?"

John Reid suggested that it was impossible to make sure a person was taking pills, and that the treatment only really worked if the offender was willing to take part.

I doubt that this will appease the massed Daily Mail readers, who'll only really be happy with the systematic castration of anyone who comes into contact with kids, before they get any ideas.

Then I remembered the set of instructions that does the rounds on the internet now and then, on how to give a pill to a cat. Hell, if it works with cats, it should work with those dirty paediatricians, right?

One quick find-and-replace later:

Instructions for giving your paedophile a pill

1. Pick paedophile up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of paedophile's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As paedophile opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow paedophile to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and paedophile from behind sofa. Cradle paedophile in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve paedophile from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle paedophile in left arm holding legs tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and paedophile from top of wardrobe. Call friend.
6. Kneel on floor with paedophile wedged firmly between knees, hold legs. Ignore low growls emitted by paedophile. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub paedophile's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve paedophile from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap paedophile in large towel and get friend to lie on paedophile with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force paedophile's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve paedophile from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place paedophile in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve paedophile from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid paedophile. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie paedophile's front legs with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold paedophile's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect paedophile. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.