2007++

Well, that was the year I got married.

I know I've gone on, and on, and on about it, but that's really what defined my year. I don't think a week went by when we didn't do something wedding-related. If it wasn't preparation for the wedding itself, it was something to do with the whole living-together-and-spending-the-rest-of-our-lives-together thing.

There is another thing that defined 2007, for me.

This was the year I stopped being a tranny.

Well, sort of. This was the first year since the turn of the millennium where I stopped being a tranny first and foremost, and started being a man who was also a tranny.

But it's more than that, I feel it inside me. I've passed a tipping point, I don't feel connected to Becky in the same way I used to.

I've talked before about trannies having cycles and rhythms, likening them to planetary bodies with unusual orbits. Right now I feel like a satellite that's blasted off too far and is now in danger of leaving orbit forever.

Yeah, I know. Trannies always come back. We can't help ourselves. I've seen it so many times in other trannies that I treat it as a universal truism. But it's hard to believe when you're the one accelerating away in an apparently hyperbolic trajectory...

The thing is... there is a thing... and I'll get to it eventually. The thing is I can't get back. Not to where I was three years ago. That place doesn't exist any more. That's not just me being melodramatic. Yes, the person I was back then doesn't exist any more (thank God, in many ways), but also the environments don't exist. Trans-Mission, the tranny club where I first met the outside world as Becky, is currently defunct. Even if they brought back something called "Trans-Mission", the old venue is now a Pret-a-Manger, so it will have to be held somewhere else. So, in a very real way, I can never step over the threshold of that sparkly-curtained bar in the Barbican and be greeted by the smile of familiar faces.

Believe it or not, that thought's been actually quite upsetting for me.

The "online" scene, which for me was mainly The Angels mailing list and forums, has also moved on. I got tired of online forums, and stopped reading and commentating in them, and now I kinda find myself outside looking in. It's interesting the way that TVchix currently seems to be what the Angels was 4 years ago, a place for the trendy, young and young-thinking trannies to meet and build a scene. There's a whole generation of trannies out there now that never went to Trans-Mission, and probably look at the generation that did as a bit old-fashioned. Just as I kind of did about the trannies who went to Stormes, which closed just before I appeared on the scene.

Actually, this wasn't intended as a retrospective post. For one thing it's too early... blogger etiquette says that you have to get Christmas out of the way before you start waxing lyrical about the last year. This is more like an early glance at 2008.

Stick around with Becky's Blog in 2008 and I think you'll see a new phase. Becky is coming back. Or, at least, trying to come back, it might need more than a slight course correction. I've always been a great believer in not "forcing" things, not making myself dress, go out, engage with the scene, unless I wanted to. But now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I need to force things a bit more. Push the 95% of me that's boring, lazy old Simon back into Becky's territory. There's people I want to meet, things I want to express, stuff I still want to do as Becky. Because although she only takes up 5%, it's the 5% that's the most important.

So Happy Christmas, and I mean that most sincerely folks.

And I'll see you in the New Year. :)