Film Versions of Less Obvious Games

The track record of movie adaptations of computer games is pretty dire. The most recent was "Hitman", which was critically panned, but before that were several even worse examples. Who remembers Final Fantasy - The Spirits Within, a film which used excellent CGI to try to hide the fact that the plot was a) absolutely nothing to do with the computer game, and b) complete and utter bollocks?

Readers with longer memories might recall Super Mario Brothers, starring Bob Hoskins as the mustachioed plumber who (from my memory) never jumped on any turtle's heads to kill them, or consumed a mushroom to gain super-powers, probably because they didn't want to give kids ideas.

You might even remember the terrible film version of Street Fighter, which pretty much killed any hope Kylie Minogue had for a movie career.

The problem, I've realised, is that the moviemakers have tried to adapt games that already have a plot (albeit in many cases a highly tenuous one) and strong characters. For a better chance of a success, they need to look to the games that are totally plot-less and character-less, so that the writers have a completely blank slate to work with, and can let their creativity run riot.

Here are some of my suggestions for future Hollywood blockbusters, based on the kinds of game that fit this description.

Tetris - The Fallering

John (Owen Wilson) is a S-shaped Tetronimo and Kate (Keira Knightly) is a Z-shaped one. Fitting together is nearly impossible, but their love finds a way. For a few moments they're inseperable, until cruel fate (in the form of Jeff Goldblum as "The Long Thin One") threatens to destroy them and everything they've worked to build.

Tagline: "They couldn't help falling... for each other."

Zuma the Movie

Barry (Jean Claude Van-Damme) is an ancient Incan frog with a mystic power - the power to fire coloured balls out of his mouth. One day he learns that his enormous-mouthed girlfriend (Julia Roberts) has been kidnapped by an evil guy (any English actor who needs to pay the mortgage) and force-fed coloured balls that he rolls down a convoluted track. Armed only with his ball-spitting finesse, Barry must save her. And also save the world. For some reason.

Sample dialog: "You'd like me to think you've won, wouldn't you Barry? But I've seen the back of your head, I know what you're going to fire next... and you've only got green balls!"

Tagline: "Only one frog had the balls to fight."

Mines

A bunch of good-looking american teenagers wake up, confused and scared, in the middle of a deserted muddy field scored into hundreds of squares. A series of grusome death reveals the terrible truth - the only way they can escape is by working out the cryptic number clues which reveal where the buried mines are. The pretty girl and the quiet-spoken nerdy guy survive, of course.

Sample dialog: "Goddammit I'm not listening to you any more, Josh! I'm gonna run home and call the poli... [BOOOM]!"

Tagline: "Vengeance is mine"

Brain Training

In a dystopian future in which growing old has been outlawed, plastic surgery has become the norm. But there's only one way to stop your brain from ageing: enter the shadowy Brain Age Academy of Dr. Kawashima...

Tagline: "Two men enter, one man leaves . . . then four men enter. Then two men leave. Then three men enter. Then two men leave. How many are in the house?"