You might not ever see this blog post
Particularly if you're one of the many people who subscribe to my blog via email. I'm pretty sure that an email that features as many "spammy" words as this one does would get eaten alive by spam filters, and this blog post will languish forever in your "Junk Mail" folder.
After a couple of recent spam filter miss-fires, in which perfectly sensible email messages have been dropped into my own junk mail folder, I've got back into the habit of checking it regularly. About once a week I dive into the 300-odd spam emails that have built up and, quite frankly, I'm disgusted, appalled, amazed, and not a little worried about the future of the human race.
If the spam marketers (if "marketer" is a word deserving of these scum) are to be believed, everyone in the world is after three things:
1) free software
2) a bigger cock
3) yep, mainly a bigger cock
I find this hard to believe. There's about 50% of the population who (whilst I've not conducted any exhaustive studies) I'm pretty certain have no interest whatsoever in increasing the size of of a body part they don't have.
So that leaves the 50% of the population that I proudly announce myself as member of (except for some weekends, natch). Okay, so leaving out the probably-above-average proportion of my genetically male friends who'd rather have not have a penis at all thankyouverymuch, that still means that a fair proportion of my other male friends are desperate for a larger penises.
Well, if they do, they've never mentioned it to me! Even during laddish drinking sessions in which virtually every other guilty desire and secret has ended up being spoken aloud (you know, those sessions where someone drunkenly owns up to quite fancying Barbara Cartland, or having a large collection of Midget Porn, or being Tory).
Maybe it's so guilty a secret, that although many a man has it, none dare speak it aloud. Somehow the spam marketeers have found this out, and are exploiting it mercilessly.
The thing the spammers have to tackle is the spam filters, which have evolved to be pretty savvy about blocking emails with subject lines like "Eat our Sugar Pills and Get a Bigger Cock!" so they have to be a bit more creative about it.
The trick is, they think, to make the subject line that means "get a bigger cock", without using the words "get", "bigger", "cock", or synonyms thereof.
So an arms race has developed, with the spammers coming up with more and more sophisticated ways to fox the spam filters, which in turn keep improving to stop them.
First the spammers tried just simple replacement of letters to make words different but still recognisable at a glance. So words like "pen1s" started to appear, as if the readers would ignore the chronic spelling and still trust the spammer to be providing high-class goods. I don't know about you, but if Tescos started flogging "Tesc0 F1nest ro.asted \/egatable psta sauce!!!!!!" in their ads, I'd assume all quality control had gone out of the window and take my business elsewhere.
The spam filters cottoned on to the mis-spelling ruse ages ago, so then the spammers tried using less obvious words to indicate the male member. I get dozens of emails every day offering to "enhance my shlong" or "improve my male machine".
"Male machine"!? It sounds terrifying. I'm getting mental images of some robotic male member like that bit in the film "Demon Seed". Actually I can't remember if you actually saw the computer's winky in Demon Seed, which either means it was so horrifying that I blocked it out, or I've got an over-active imagination for thinking they actually showed it in the first place.
This tactic didn't seem to work for the spammers, as the spam filters pretty quickly guessed that the only male machines most men were interested in were made by Black and Decker, so any emails not sent by DIY companies could be safely ignored. Although I'm quite pleased that the word "shlong" is getting a bit of an airing after years of disuse.
The latest idea of the spammers is to use subject lines that suggest you'll get a bigger cock by using the product they're flogging, without actually saying that at all. Here are two genuine examples from my junk mailbox today alone. Warning, the second one is pretty inexcusable.
"Those locker room stares will be for the right reason!"
"Can't fill up your girlfriend's mouth during a BJ? Your solution is here!"
See what they did there? No mention of resizing your male machine, just vague suggestions that maybe the guys at the gym changing rooms aren't staring at your willy due to barely concealed envy, and maybe there's another way to succeed in your endless quest for the perfect blow job other than seeking out ladies with petite gobs.
Sorry. It's all the dirty spam, it's desensitizing me to when I'm being disgusting. Suffice it to say I've never had a great problem with either of those. Not that I've tried to find ladies with... ok I'll shut up now.
Like it or not, though, it does seem to show a certain ingenuity on the part of the spammers. I imagine weekly creative meetings where spam admen blue-sky ideas for new "get a bigger cock" campaigns.
The thing is, none of it works.
Apart from the occasional forlorn email from a phisherman trying to convince me he's actually Credit Suisse, every single spam email gets dumped in my junk folder. It's just the fact that I have to skim past them all while I'm hunting for real emails that annoys the tits off me. If I had tits, which I don't. Come to think of it, why do you never get spam offering that kind of enhancement?
Not that I'd buy, she added hurriedly. Just seems strange, that's all.
After a couple of recent spam filter miss-fires, in which perfectly sensible email messages have been dropped into my own junk mail folder, I've got back into the habit of checking it regularly. About once a week I dive into the 300-odd spam emails that have built up and, quite frankly, I'm disgusted, appalled, amazed, and not a little worried about the future of the human race.
If the spam marketers (if "marketer" is a word deserving of these scum) are to be believed, everyone in the world is after three things:
1) free software
2) a bigger cock
3) yep, mainly a bigger cock
I find this hard to believe. There's about 50% of the population who (whilst I've not conducted any exhaustive studies) I'm pretty certain have no interest whatsoever in increasing the size of of a body part they don't have.
So that leaves the 50% of the population that I proudly announce myself as member of (except for some weekends, natch). Okay, so leaving out the probably-above-average proportion of my genetically male friends who'd rather have not have a penis at all thankyouverymuch, that still means that a fair proportion of my other male friends are desperate for a larger penises.
Well, if they do, they've never mentioned it to me! Even during laddish drinking sessions in which virtually every other guilty desire and secret has ended up being spoken aloud (you know, those sessions where someone drunkenly owns up to quite fancying Barbara Cartland, or having a large collection of Midget Porn, or being Tory).
Maybe it's so guilty a secret, that although many a man has it, none dare speak it aloud. Somehow the spam marketeers have found this out, and are exploiting it mercilessly.
The thing the spammers have to tackle is the spam filters, which have evolved to be pretty savvy about blocking emails with subject lines like "Eat our Sugar Pills and Get a Bigger Cock!" so they have to be a bit more creative about it.
The trick is, they think, to make the subject line that means "get a bigger cock", without using the words "get", "bigger", "cock", or synonyms thereof.
So an arms race has developed, with the spammers coming up with more and more sophisticated ways to fox the spam filters, which in turn keep improving to stop them.
First the spammers tried just simple replacement of letters to make words different but still recognisable at a glance. So words like "pen1s" started to appear, as if the readers would ignore the chronic spelling and still trust the spammer to be providing high-class goods. I don't know about you, but if Tescos started flogging "Tesc0 F1nest ro.asted \/egatable psta sauce!!!!!!" in their ads, I'd assume all quality control had gone out of the window and take my business elsewhere.
The spam filters cottoned on to the mis-spelling ruse ages ago, so then the spammers tried using less obvious words to indicate the male member. I get dozens of emails every day offering to "enhance my shlong" or "improve my male machine".
"Male machine"!? It sounds terrifying. I'm getting mental images of some robotic male member like that bit in the film "Demon Seed". Actually I can't remember if you actually saw the computer's winky in Demon Seed, which either means it was so horrifying that I blocked it out, or I've got an over-active imagination for thinking they actually showed it in the first place.
This tactic didn't seem to work for the spammers, as the spam filters pretty quickly guessed that the only male machines most men were interested in were made by Black and Decker, so any emails not sent by DIY companies could be safely ignored. Although I'm quite pleased that the word "shlong" is getting a bit of an airing after years of disuse.
The latest idea of the spammers is to use subject lines that suggest you'll get a bigger cock by using the product they're flogging, without actually saying that at all. Here are two genuine examples from my junk mailbox today alone. Warning, the second one is pretty inexcusable.
"Those locker room stares will be for the right reason!"
"Can't fill up your girlfriend's mouth during a BJ? Your solution is here!"
See what they did there? No mention of resizing your male machine, just vague suggestions that maybe the guys at the gym changing rooms aren't staring at your willy due to barely concealed envy, and maybe there's another way to succeed in your endless quest for the perfect blow job other than seeking out ladies with petite gobs.
Sorry. It's all the dirty spam, it's desensitizing me to when I'm being disgusting. Suffice it to say I've never had a great problem with either of those. Not that I've tried to find ladies with... ok I'll shut up now.
Like it or not, though, it does seem to show a certain ingenuity on the part of the spammers. I imagine weekly creative meetings where spam admen blue-sky ideas for new "get a bigger cock" campaigns.
"How about... 'Fed up with not having to stand in the bath when you're using the toilet?'"And so on.
"Hmm, I see where you're going Quentin, but would the customer necessarily have their bath directly opposite their toilet, thus requiring that they stand in the bath in order to get far enough back to urinate in the event that they ever come into the possession of a massive shlong?"
"Good point... um..."
"Here's one: 'Impress orbiting female astronauts with your own "Great Wall"!'"
"Great Wall sounds NOTHING like penis! I LOVE it! Time for lunch!"
The thing is, none of it works.
Apart from the occasional forlorn email from a phisherman trying to convince me he's actually Credit Suisse, every single spam email gets dumped in my junk folder. It's just the fact that I have to skim past them all while I'm hunting for real emails that annoys the tits off me. If I had tits, which I don't. Come to think of it, why do you never get spam offering that kind of enhancement?
Not that I'd buy, she added hurriedly. Just seems strange, that's all.
For a price. (Made in China)
Why not subscribe to the Transformation mailing list and see what happens.
Still didn't buy, though.
* (Some, or all, of the above may be a complete fabrication.)
I also have the most base fear that if after using their product I were shocked to find that my penis was the size of Grenada that I'd end up on their website with a picture before and after (not quite sure how they'd get the before picture, there are a few out there granted but still) and I'd have to give a "testimonial" about how great it is now:
Sex life improved, non-existent wife ecstatic and unable to walk, friends jealous, certain degree of back problems etc etc.
Anyway the penis brigade seems to have moved on, apparently (and keep this between the few of us) the big concern now is that men just don't produce enough sperm to keep women happy.
So you need a big penis and apparently along with having to drag it around you need to have testicles swollen to breaking point because women are unhappy.
Funny how they never cater for the gay market, always an unhappy wife never an unhappy "life-partner."
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