A Tranny's Guide to Surviving the Credit Crunch

The threat of recession is on the horizon. The current economic climate means everyone is having to tighten their belts, and us trannies have more belts to tighten than most (along with a couple of girdles, and a sash that ties in huge bow that sits delightfully in the small of our backs and... er ... I digress).

So anyway I thought I'd put together a few tips for surviving the credit crunch as a tranny.

Make the Most of the Panto Off Season

During the summer months there is very little call for pantomime, so why not make use of all those costumes gathering dust at your local theatre? Many of them are designed for the fuller figure, and come in a variety of striking and original styles.

Look for:

Ugly Sister costumes. Often actually quite swanky, it's the makeup that tends to let down your average Ugly Sister.

Cinderella's Ballgown. You never know, it might fit. Although the slippers probably won't.

Pantomime Dame outfits If anyone asks, tell them you're on a Grayson Perry kick.

Avoid:

Anything with a goose's head. Unless you're into a bit of furry (feathery?) action on the side.

Principal Boy outfits. Unless you look so naturally like a girl that it shines through even when you stick on a pair of hotpants, a pencil moustache and a jaunty hat. In which case I hate you.


Investigate Alternative Realities and Planes of Existence

Online realities such as Second Life have always been havens for the tranny without the budget for actual clothes / makeup / plastic surgery, but in hard times it can be hard to find the Real Life lolly you need to pay for the Second Life loot. So why not investigate some other online environments?

Try:

World of Warcraft. But don't do the obvious thing and play an anatomically impossible female maiden skipping around in extremely skimpy armour. The proper way to cross-dress in WoW (or any other online RPG) is to play a butch male character and then disguise yourself in as feminine a manner as possible. I myself have a male Night Elf rogue who has a fantastic range of frocks he picked up at festival events around Azeroth. And he can easily pass for a laydee, providing the dungeon is dark enough.

Pirates of Caribbean Online. Okay, so I've not actually investigated this myself, but surely in addition to all the swarthy eye-patched pirates there must be room for a few corsetted and be-hoop-skirted Governor's daughters for trannies to play? And maybe also ladies of negotiable affection inhabiting the taverns and docks? If not, wake up Disney! This is an opportunity missed!

Avoid:

EVE Online. The bit at the beginning where you create your avatar all looks very promising, and you can spend an hour or so getting the lipstick, funky hair and eyeshadow on my space chick just right. But then it's all just spaceships! And it's very hard to make a Caldari Battle Cruiser look femme. Believe me, I tried.


Make Do And Mend

Some tips for when things get really bad:

The discarded towels left behind The Boudoir and other dressing services can be wrung out for usable amounts of foundation.

Rather than forking out for an expensive wig, just let your own hair grow out. (Be warned: while most trannies who do this tend to make out they're frightfully lucky to have "such nice long hair", all their friends secretly know this is a sign of abject poverty and an inability to buy a decent wig. That's not envy in their eyes, it's pity.)

Take a tip from those wartime ladies who couldn't afford seamed stockings. If you can't afford to buy a decent pair of falsies, just drink a lot of beer until you develop an impressive set of man boobs, then take a brown eyeliner pencil and draw a large oval shape around each one. Hey presto! Instant faux fake boobs!

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Hopefully my little guide will help you through the worst of the credit crunch.

And remember that it's incredible what you can get in charity shops. Why, just the other day I got some very funny looks and a black eye.