Retro-Acronyms

Please tell me, dear Reader, why it is that some people seem incapable of accepting the idea that words can come into existence without having some amusing kind of back-story? They seem to think that our ancestors weren't happy naming things unless they could thick of a witty reason for calling it that.

Picture the prehistoric scene...

"I'm going to call that friendly wolf that keeps hanging around the cave eating scraps and scaring away the bears 'Dog'."

"Why? Does it stand for something?"

"No, just that dog hasn't been used as a word for something yet, and it's short and snappy. I like it."

"Oh, that's disappointing. I thought it was for some clever reason."

But speak to some people and they'll tell you something like "Oh yes, Dog is an acronym for 'Drinks Our Gravy', due to the fact that the first dogs used to be fed left over meat juices"; and they'll believe it, because it Sounds Plausable and Therefore Must Be True (SPaTMBT).

These kind of people love nothing more than acronyms, as they neatly explain away words which don't otherwise have a good explanation. And these people don't like things that can't be neatly explained away with a nice little story. They're often very similar people who think Intelligent Design is a jolly good idea that explains why there are two types of elephant, without having to worry about all that messy DNA stuff.

On three separate occasions recently, I've seen people in the media giving acronyms as the origins of words. Each time they were stated as fact, and each time they were patently bollocks.

The most recent example was part of the furore surrounding the uttering of the word "Gollywog" in a BBC green room. The news article explained the background of how the Gollywog doll started off as an innocent child's toy, but gained offensive overtones over the years as it came to be seen as a racial stereotype and the word "wog" entered the language as a racist term for a black person.

The piece went on to say that it was debated whether "wog" and "gollywog" were even related, as many people thought that "wog" was originally an acronym for "Wily Oriental Gentleman".

Errr... no I don't think so! Firstly, black people aren't oriental, they're mostly of African orgin. Secondly, who on Earth could possibly believe that people went around calling every black person they met "that wily oriental gentleman", until some smartarse said "I know! Lets shorten it to wog!"?

During an interview on the news the other morning, a golfer stated as fact that "Golf" was originally an anagram for "Gentlemen Only - Ladies Forbidden". As if the original golfers felt it necessary to think up a name that was the acronym equivelant of putting a sign on a treehouse reading "GIRLZ NOT ALOW3D"; and as if 16th centuty women would have even wanted to hit a small ball around a Scottish heath anyway.

Finally, I was watching a daytime antiques show recently, one of those ones where you buy stuff and they flog it for a huge loss. They were doing a piece about garden gnomes. The so-called expert (a fey gap-toothed arse with a cravat) said "do you know where the word 'Gnome' comes from? It's from 'Guardian and Nurturer of Mother Earth'."

Makes you wonder if he even bothered to engage his brain when he said it. I certainly wonder if maybe I should have disengaged mine before watching any form of daytime telly.

So, in summary, when ever anyone tries to tell you that word that's been around for a century or more originated as a clever acronym, punch them squarely on the nose. Then tell them that the word "acronym" is short for "punch me squarely on the nose and walk away", and walk away before their feeble brain works out the obvious. It's the only way they'll learn.