Repetition is the least sincere form of flattery

Got this Flickrmail last night from some guy called "Deebonious":

hey hows it goin just wanted to tell u r one of the hottest tgirls i have evr seen i would love to chat with u if u would like to. thanks hope to here from u bye cuttie

Which is fair enough. I had no intention of writing to him, but flattering all the same.

And then just a few minutes ago I got another Flickrmail from him which reads:

hey hows it goin just wanted to tell u r one of the hottest tgirls i have evr seen i would love to chat with u if u would like to. thanks hope to here from u bye cuttie

Identical, right down to the spelling mistakes. Which kinda suggests he's just cutting and pasting the same message to a few t-girls and has kinda lost track of who he's already sent his fan mail to, doesn't it? :-)

CGImitation

What is it with CGI features that they seem to come in pairs?

It happened first with Antz, on it's own a good CGI film, but overshadowed by Pixar's A Bugs Life which came out almost simultaneously.

Then a couple of years ago audiences were less than impressed by Shark Tale, particularly since we'd had our fill of aquatic CGI in the form of Finding Nemo.

A tonight I was browsing the trailers in Front Row and came across The Wild, a Disney effort about a bunch exotic animals (including a giraffe and a lion) and the hilarity that ensues when they're lifted from the safe environs of a city zoo.

No, not Madagascar. This is different. Apparently.

I know these films have massive gestation times, but surely somebody could have peeked over the wall to see that not only were the guys at the next Silicon Graphics workstation making a similar film, but they were gonna get it in cinemas long before Disney was ready?

Norfolk Man

Norfolk Man, Norfolk Man,
Does whatever a Norfolk can.
Keeps his guns,
in a rack.
Shooting burglars in the back.
Look out!
Here comes the Norfolk Man.

Is he slow?
Listen mate,
His tractor speedo only reaches 8.
Take a look,
at the queue.
Fifteen cars between him and you.
Hey, there,
There goes the Norfolk Man.

To him, life is a great big rile up.
Whenever there's a pile up,
You'll find the Norfolk Man!

Shouty time

I'm really enjoying having Tom Baker as the "voice of text messaging" at the moment. In fact, I think it should be a trend to use more eccentric British actors on phone services.

Next candidate: Brian Blessed voicing the Speaking Clock.

"Hello! I'm Brian Blessed! At the third stroke, the time sponsored by me, Brian Blessed, will be: Ten. Fifteen. And twenty seconds. BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEP."

Notes from the forefront of mathematical transgender research

Prompted by the last post, and after considerable research, I have determined that the tranniest number in existence is...

So, er, now you know.

Old Skool

Check out the antique calculator we found whilst clearing out some drawers at work!

Middle Earth Rhapsody

So a musical version of The Lord of the Rings has been released, to less-than-glowing reviews. Part of the problem, the critics say, is that they’ve tried to condense a huge three-volume work into one evening’s entertainment.

I say the problem is that they didn’t go far enough. Why not condense the whole thing into just one song? Much more convenient, I think you’ll agree.

Middle Earth Rhapsody
(to the tune of... oh you'll work it out)

(Enter Frodo)Is this the One Ring?
Or is this just fantasy?
Caught up in Big Things,
No escape thru invisibility.
Come on Samwise,
Put down your shears and fleeeee.
I’m just a Hobbit, I have no destiny.
But I need to run, need to go,
(Samwise)Right you are. Mas-ter Frodo.
(Frodo)The road goes ever on and on, doesn’t really matter to me…
To me.

(Enter Gollum) Gollum, I just killed my bro,
Put my hands against his neck,
Squeezed them tightly, now he’s dead.
Gollum, but I got the Ring,
And then I went and threw it all away,
Gollum, ooo-oo-oooo.
Didn’t mean to lose the thing,
If I don’t get it back, there will be sorrow,
My precious, my precious, nothing else really matters.

(Frodo) Too late, my time has come,
The ring is heavy on it’s twine,
Shoulder’s aching all the time.
Goodbye everybody – I’ve got to go.
Gotta leave the Fellowship and find the Cracks of Doom.
Mordor! Ooo-ooo-oo,
I don’t want to die.
I sometimes wish I’d never got this ring at all.

(All)I see a little silhouetto of a dwarf,
Saruman, Saruman, did you burn the Fangorn down?
Uruk-Hai and Witch Kings, very very frightening me.
Galadriel. Galadriel. Galadriel. Galadriel.
Galadriel and Frodo!
Magnifico!

(Strider)I’m just a ranger, nobody loves me.
(All)He’s just a ranger, with a long family tree.
Saving the lives of the Hobbits in Bree.

(Saruman)Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
(Ents)Hoom-hurrum! We will not let you go.
(Wormtongue) Let him go!
(Ents)Hoom-hurrum! We will not let you go.
(Wormtongue) Let him go!
(Ents)Hoom-hurrum! We will not let you go.
(Saruman) Let me go!
(Ents)We will not let you go.
(Saruman) Let me go!
(Ents)We will not let you go.
(Saruman) Let me go!
(Ents) No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(Saruman)  Men of Rohan, Men of Rohan, Men of Rohan, let me go.
Barad-dur has put aside a place for me, for me, for meeeeee!

(Gollum)So you think you can trust me to lead you inside?
But I’ll take you to Her and then leave you to die!
Oh, Shelob, you’ll be eaten by Shelob.
Just gotta get up, just gotta get up the Long Stair.

(Frodo)No ring on my finger. Nine fingers, you see.
No ring on my finger...
No ring on my finger... not me.

The road goes ever on and on.

I watched too many crummy Sci-Fi movies as a teenager

Anyone been watching The Games on Channel 4? 

How cool would it be if the introduced a suprise extra event: "Stick Your Hand in a Hole in a Scary-assed-looking Tree Stump".

Peter Duncan would crap himself. :-)

Windmills

Saw this on the way to Jane's and couldn't help but stop and take a few pics.

That Tranny Budget Speech in Full

You might not realise this, but one of my duties as a member of the higher echelons of the Trannierati is to set the yearly budget for trannies in the UK. Everyone in the UK gets wall-to-wall media coverage of my budget speech, but for the benefit of my foreign readers, here's a transcript.

Mr Speaker, the last year has been a strong one for the Tranny Economy, with the first Sparkle doing much to strengthen the purple balloon and pin-badge industries. I stayed within my targets to keep breast inflation below the 38DD mark, and I kept within my "Golden Rule" that hem lengths should be at least 1 inch below the cut-off point for meat and two veg.

[cheers]

I am convinced that the height of heels is a cause for concern, and to that end in 2007 I will be introducing a stiletto tax. This will be 10 pence for the first three inches of heel, rising to 20 pence per inch above this limit. Heels of seven inches of more will be eligible for a "pratfall" tax of 50 pence per inch to cover the additional costs to the NHS resulting from heel-related injuries.

[boos]

I will continue to be vigilant to prevent the proliferation of trannies who post pictures online that look like Michael Elphick with tits... as I have said before, there will be no return to "Boon and bust".

[groans]

The tax on wine will rise by 4 pence a bottle, and on cigarettes by 9 pence a packet.

[solitary "FECK!"]

When it comes to the issue of trannie spending being siphoned off by unscrupulous tranny shops and mail-order firms, I will as always stick by my three watchwords: education, education and (...what's that word?... oh... can't read my own writing) education. All households in the UK with trannies under the age of 18 will be receiving in the next few days a leaflet entitled "Don't Go to Transformation, You Numpty".

This is a budget for pretty things. It is a budget that realises the importance of fluffiness. I commend this budget to the house.

Scotch Changes

When I was a student, everyone read Viz. It was just The Done Thing. You also had to say "it's not as good as it used to be", and pretend you read it when it had a circulation of 5 and was hand-drawn by monks in Buckfast Abbey.

Part of Viz's stock-in trade were the spoof ads that littered the pages between the strips. I distinctly remember seeing the above example, and not being quite able to believe it.

It's a very accurate parody of an ad that used to appear in the back of the News of the World each weekend for "Tranformation Change-Aways". The original showed a half-man, half-woman image and promised hours of unalloyed feminine bliss for cross-dressers under the auspices of Transformation's discreet dressing service.

Every British tranny of a certain age remembers that advert. I used to stare at it for hours at my Nan's when we went over for Sunday lunch (my immediate family being too lower middle class to get the News of the World), guiltily turning to another page when someone entered the room.

The fact that someone at Viz also seemed to have noticed it too, and had gone as far as lampooning it, amazed me. In my little neophyte tranny mind I thought I was the only person who knew about it! I wonder how many Viz readers knew that it was a Transformation spoof, and how many thought it was just mocking the Scots!

Anyway, I found it again in a collection of Viz spoof ads I bought the other day, and I thought I'd share it with you.

Feeling better...

...well, a bit. My mouth feels like a hamster's been living in it. A french hamster at that.

I've decided I somehow channelled the nation's Guinness hangover. Maybe Siobhan did some Oirish Voodoo on me.

I'm going to get her back though. By making her site more popular on Google for "so you want to be Irish", so she gets loads of wannabe Irishmen traffic. Purely out of spite, and not because that's one of the funniest things I read this year. :-)

Yuck

I'm ill. Proper old-fashioned ill in a way i've not been in ages. 

Last night I went to bed feeling a little bit odd, and realised I couldn't lay on my side because my tummy hurt...

It felt like something was "stuck", like I'd somehow managed to swallow a helium balloon and it wasn't sure whether it wanted to go up or down.

Stared at the walls for a few hours. At 2am I had a hot bath, which felt good and relived the pain. Then tried to make myself sick because it felt like whatever was down there should really either put up or shut up and let me sleep, but to no avail. Then had another hot bath cos it seemed to at least "something to do". Then watchded the sun come up, and got ready for work.

Spoke briefly to my two work colleagues who were in. They agreed that the crazed, dishevelled and sleep-deprived person infront of them should really go home.

So I did, and then I was specacularly sick, my stomach finally coming to the same conclusion as I had that whatever it was trying to process wasn't going to go down without a fight.

Then I crashed in bed. I woke up about 20 minutes ago. It's dark. I feel a bit better, hopefully well enough to meet up with Jane tomorrow, who's also a bit ill, bless her.

So that was my day. fun huh?

Genuinely Useful Mac OSX Widgets That Someone Should Write

Number 1

The Postman Always Twigs Twice

Postie rang the doorbell this morning with a special delivery package to be signed for.

It was 10 minutes before I needed to be at work, so I was naked, naturally. Cue frantic rushing around for something to wear, shouting "just a minute!" out of the window. Finding a pink fluffy dressing gown. Deciding that it would have to do and rushing downstairs to answer the door.

"Morning!"

"Mornin, sign here please."

"Sure."

"Noice dressin' goon!" (Rendered the best I can manage from the original Norfolk accent.)

"(mumble) the wife's (mumble) only thing could find..."

Slip signed. Postie sent on way. Door closed.

I looked down at my bare feet.

My excuse for the dressing gown would have been slightly more waterproof... if it wasn't for the 10 nicely painted toenails.

Exhibit B

For the tranny that has everything, matching handbag and frock lamps.

I seem to have discovered a rich seam of naffness at the moment, don't I? :-)

Crimes Against Taste - Exhibit A

We were clearing out the desk drawers of a departed work colleague last week, and found this.

I knew the guy had bad taste... but... wow.

The best bit is the expression on Bryan Adam's face. It's as is something entirely unexpected is pressing against the top of his leg. :-D

Conversational Ebonics

Do you ever find stuff that's so weird that it makes you feel a little bit spaced-out for a while? Like a mini culture-shock? I do. It happened today.

I was browsing idly through the remainders shelf of WHSmith today in King's Lynn. For the uninitiated, WHSmith is a national chain of newsagents in the UK. They stock stationery, books, CDs and DVDs, but it's all very populist and very mainstream.

In short, not the sort of place you'd expect to find a book like this...



"OFF THE HOOK", a Dictionary of African American Slang. In Japanese. Being sold in the remainders section of a WHSmith a sleepy provicial Norfolk town.

The weirdness quotient was just too high, and the price (only £2!) was too low not to buy it. Plus it's author, Randall C. Miller Junior, looked cool!

I wasn't disappointed. In fact I think, per penny, it's one of the funniest books I've ever bought. I really wish I was Japanese, so I could use this book in anger. Just picture a Japanese tourist walking into a black neighborhood clutching this book. He'd start with the Greetings section of course...



Hmm, some genuinelly useful phrases there, I think you'll agree. But friendships aren't forged through greetings alone. We need to work on our relationships, so turning to the helpful "Relationships" section...



Great stuff! I think we're ready to work on our conversational skills. Helpfully, the book provides many examples of cosy chats between African American folks.



Once our Japanese cultural exchange student has surrounded himself with a few bitch ho's and is well on his way to being "down with the 'hood", things will inevitably turn to the matter of more intimate relationships. Again the book is there to help. There's a whole section on Sex..



"Once you go black, you never go back." Wow. One thing I'm not sure about is whether the text is telling you how to say the phrase, or just what it means. Perhaps a Japanese reader could to enlighten me?

That picture shows one of the many fine illustrations in the book. This one indicating that the handle end of a serving spoon is called an "apple pie peach cobbler."

Some small part of me is still worried that this is a wind-up that so sophisticated and subtle that I haven't got it. When I researched the book's publisher, Protea Publishing, it led me to their website...

and then things got really weird.

Turns out they're some kind of vanity publishing unit. They also do a line in family bible restoration, and will turn family portraits into oil paintings for you.

Really really badly.

Why is that little girl's hand so small? Why are those examples so shit? Why does that book exist?! Why was it in WHSmiths!?!? Is this all some kind of joke!??? What's going on?!!!?

I need a lie down.

You know you're part of the tranny scene when...

..the first three people in your address book have the surname "Angel", and they're not related.

Trés geek

I have a secret fetish.

No, not that one. Another one.

I have an unhealthy lust for bags that have pockets and zips and secret places and velcro straps and adjustable toggles and things.

I was shopping for something to lug the new laptop around in the other day, and came across this little beauty...



It had me at "hello". Well actually it had me at the tag that said "Made by the same people who make Swiss Army knives".

And in fact it is the Swiss Army knife of laptop rucksacks. It's got bloody everything! Dozens of pockets; room for a laptop, gym kit, packet lunch and my SLR; it's even got a special section for an MP3 player with an external port for the headphones! (Which is extra-cool since Jessica bought me a wireless ipod remote for my birthday.)

I swear that there are pockets in this thing that I've not found yet. Yeah I know, it's geeky. Sue me. :-P

Well, that told me!

jessica poohu <i_hate_trannys@yahoo.com> to webmistress

Dear Becky,
you are so disgusting to me the though of a man/woman wanting to deny what God has made them to become a insignificant piece of trash just to get a little attention is unfathomably ridiculous to me. Sinners like you deserve to die a thousand deaths in a special place in hell. I could never change what I am sorry if no one ever hugged you and now all you want is attention there are better was of attracting more positive attention such as being intelligent but obviously you have decided that you will never be smart enough for anyone to appreciate you like a leach on society you have brought you leprosy and denied what you were intended for to become another reason this world this world has become the shit hole that it is!!

Hilarious. :-) Love the email address, Jessica, that shows commitment.

Did anyone else get one of these?

Back to Mac

I've been thinking about buying a laptop for ages, and just recently there's been more and more reasons to do so.

I've also been thinking about getting a Mac. Again for a lot of reasons. Partly because I'm not on-call for work any more so I don't need a PC for office troubleshooting, and there were less and less things that I needed a Wintel platform to use. Partly because I wanted something totally new to play with, I was getting bored with PC systems and longed for an all-new toy to play with, where things weren't too familiar. And partly because Macs were where I started in personal computing, my first full-time job was laying out teaching materials using Aldus PageMaker! I've had a soft spot for them ever since.

So I've never stopped liking Macs, they just became a luxury I couldn't afford as my work environment became PC-based.

And when I decided it was time to return to Mac ownership again... I thought it was worth doing it in style. :-)

Insomnia

I don't get it very often, but when I get it...

Meh. It's 5.30 AM, I've been counting the little diamond patterns in the curtains since 4.00. How's your day going?

Big in Israel

I know it's getting really old now, but I still get a huge thrill when stuff like this turns up at the top of my referrals stats. :-)

I have no idea what it says, it might say "Flickr Sudoku is the biggest pile of poo ever" for all I know. But I love the little English 'hamster' in the middle of all the Hebrew. :-D

(Update, that page seems to generate page anchors at random, so I can't link to the specific section that I wanted to show you. It's about half way down.)

The Sparkle donation results

Do you remember back in early February when I decided to donate all my Adsense earnings for the month to Sparkle? Jessica very kindly decided to do the same thing, so today we've both been feverishly adding up our click-throughs to find out how much we've made.

It turns out, when converted from US dollars to British Pounds, we jointly made a little under two hundred pounds last month, and it seems churlish not to bulk that up to a nice round £200.

So thanks to all you consumer whores out there, Sparkle is now two hundred shiny gold coins closer to being even sparklier than it was last year!

Thanks guys!