Loose Ends

Right, there's just about enough time to tie up some loose ends from 2007...

Competition

The winner of the Utterly Huge (Ego) End of Year Quiz was...

[rips open envelope]

London England from Lauren Close!

... er, let me read that again...

Lauren Close from London, England!

Well done Lauren!

Her fabulous one-of-a-kind prize is pictured below:





Yep. Vanity thy name is Becky. Hey, at least I'm not hanging it on my own wall! That honour falls to Lauren, once I get round to posting it. I look forward to seeing photos of it hanging in it's place of honour, Lauren! ;-)

Beckysweb Cat

The votes have been counted and your choice for the name of the official Beckysweb Cat is "Becky Is Da Best".

What happened next?

And finally, the full directors-cut Redux version of the video I posted before Christmas...

No undercover trannies were harmed in the making of this video.

That's it. Every single loose end from 2007 tied up. There are no more things I started and didn't get round to finishing!

...

What?

Christmas Eve Non-Work-Related Larking About

You know how it is. You're at work on Christmas Eve, the phone isn't ringing, eating Quality Street isn't curing your boredom, and someone's left a USB missile launcher on their desk...

If you're really really nice to me I might let you see the director's cut after Christmas. ;-)

Two comments on a picture

That picture I blogged (and Flickrd) earlier has already garnered (among others) the following two comments:

'Has Siobhan seen this?'

'Careful with that "trannying in a tie" you'll have Curran claiming Intellectual Property rights!'

Which, to be honest, bugs me. Probably more than it should.

Firstly, because I wasn't trying to copy Siobhan. What Siobhan does (or has done in the past) is, I think, strive for a look that says "guy who looks like a girl dressed like a guy". I'm probably wrong on the detail, it's more complex than that, and more meaningful to Siobhan. What I was doing was just putting on Becky stuff and Simon stuff at the same time, which kind of made me look like neither.

But why it more generally annoys me is the idea that one person can "own" as general a thing as a "look". If if I was trying to achieve something that Siobhan had already achieved, I'd want it to be treated as a unique attempt and not be compared in that way.

I know both things were said jokingly, but the joke's wearing a tiny bit thin. It's not that I don't want to be compared to Siobhan, but the comparison seems to crop up more often than it should. Probably because my site and Siobhan's are perceived in some minds to nestle quite closely in the star chart of tranny blogs. It means that sometimes I feel like I have to fight for distance between me and What Siobhan Does™ when really there's no need. One of the reasons I never posted that picture when I first took it (apart from the obvious: I look weird) was that I knew someone would say "oo that's like Siobhan" and it was depressing to be proved right.

Damn, I've lost where I was going with this...

Look, if I was competing for "firsts" with Siobhan, do you think I'd let the fact that she proposed in December to the girlfriend that she met online pass without comment? I didn't say anything, because I'm bigger than that!

Well, that and the fact that I'm immensely pleased that she's met someone so fantastic that's made her so happy. And thankfully, I don't think anyone owns the copyright on Happy.

That's it. Mini coffee-and-pre-christmas-humbug-fuelled rant ends.

2007++

Well, that was the year I got married.

I know I've gone on, and on, and on about it, but that's really what defined my year. I don't think a week went by when we didn't do something wedding-related. If it wasn't preparation for the wedding itself, it was something to do with the whole living-together-and-spending-the-rest-of-our-lives-together thing.

There is another thing that defined 2007, for me.

This was the year I stopped being a tranny.

Well, sort of. This was the first year since the turn of the millennium where I stopped being a tranny first and foremost, and started being a man who was also a tranny.

But it's more than that, I feel it inside me. I've passed a tipping point, I don't feel connected to Becky in the same way I used to.

I've talked before about trannies having cycles and rhythms, likening them to planetary bodies with unusual orbits. Right now I feel like a satellite that's blasted off too far and is now in danger of leaving orbit forever.

Yeah, I know. Trannies always come back. We can't help ourselves. I've seen it so many times in other trannies that I treat it as a universal truism. But it's hard to believe when you're the one accelerating away in an apparently hyperbolic trajectory...

The thing is... there is a thing... and I'll get to it eventually. The thing is I can't get back. Not to where I was three years ago. That place doesn't exist any more. That's not just me being melodramatic. Yes, the person I was back then doesn't exist any more (thank God, in many ways), but also the environments don't exist. Trans-Mission, the tranny club where I first met the outside world as Becky, is currently defunct. Even if they brought back something called "Trans-Mission", the old venue is now a Pret-a-Manger, so it will have to be held somewhere else. So, in a very real way, I can never step over the threshold of that sparkly-curtained bar in the Barbican and be greeted by the smile of familiar faces.

Believe it or not, that thought's been actually quite upsetting for me.

The "online" scene, which for me was mainly The Angels mailing list and forums, has also moved on. I got tired of online forums, and stopped reading and commentating in them, and now I kinda find myself outside looking in. It's interesting the way that TVchix currently seems to be what the Angels was 4 years ago, a place for the trendy, young and young-thinking trannies to meet and build a scene. There's a whole generation of trannies out there now that never went to Trans-Mission, and probably look at the generation that did as a bit old-fashioned. Just as I kind of did about the trannies who went to Stormes, which closed just before I appeared on the scene.

Actually, this wasn't intended as a retrospective post. For one thing it's too early... blogger etiquette says that you have to get Christmas out of the way before you start waxing lyrical about the last year. This is more like an early glance at 2008.

Stick around with Becky's Blog in 2008 and I think you'll see a new phase. Becky is coming back. Or, at least, trying to come back, it might need more than a slight course correction. I've always been a great believer in not "forcing" things, not making myself dress, go out, engage with the scene, unless I wanted to. But now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I need to force things a bit more. Push the 95% of me that's boring, lazy old Simon back into Becky's territory. There's people I want to meet, things I want to express, stuff I still want to do as Becky. Because although she only takes up 5%, it's the 5% that's the most important.

So Happy Christmas, and I mean that most sincerely folks.

And I'll see you in the New Year. :)

Lost in Translation

Via The Mons

Top trivia fact I learnt from this short film: in France, "March of the Penguins" was called "March of the Emperor".

You need to know that, but it doesn't get in the way of the funny.



If that tickled your fancy, now try Canal Plus's treatment of Brokeback Mountain.

Bake a better bust

Via Tokyo Mango

I'll be amazed if this isn't already the talk of the transgender forums; there's a certain type of tranny who'd be all over these little biscuity treats like ravenous but slightly less furry Cookie Monsters.



Eating F-Cup Cookies, their Japanese makers claim, will make your boobs bigger. Using a natural herbal ingredient, of course.

So if you're visiting Japan in the next few months and you want to make a fortune out of gullible trannies who'll do anything for lady lumps, look out for stands like this during your visit:


(Photo from WeLovePandas)

I'd like to make it clear that I'm quite happy with boobs of the non-chemical, non-surgical, non-permanent variety, personally. Although I doubt the only breast enhancement you'd get from munching on F-Cups would be matched by "enhancements" to your bum, tummy, etc!

The Beckysweb First Annual Advertising Awards

Most Authorative Sounding Non-Professional
Awarded to the rent-a-gob who most brazenly attempts to convince you that they're telling you to buy something out of genuine concern for your well-being, and not just because they've been paid to.

And the winner is: Sensodyne "ProNamel"



"There is a new toothpaste on the market", says the smartly dressed lady, almost as an aside to her presentation. Really? And does it just so happen to be made by Sensodyne, who paid for this advert? Well blow me down! And the fact that you're talking in a way that suggests you're an expert in dental health, despite in fact you're clearly labelled a "market researcher", that's not just a clever way to avoid Sensodyne's previous censures for using actual dental professionals in their adverts, is it?

Incidentally "ProNamel" was runner up to "Boswelox" in the "Most Ridiculous Pseudo-scientific Sounding Word" category.


Most Unrealistic Portrayal of a Shop Worker
Awarded to the jobbing actor who manages to least accurately capture the job they are portraying for the purposes of an advertisement.

And the winner is: PC World

Yes, PC World workers do spend a lot of time unloading stock off lorries and sticking them on display. They don't, however, endlessly bang on to their coworkers about how bloody brilliant each bit of kit is while they're doing it.

"Take a look at this! Intel Celeron processor! Every letter of the alphabet on the keyboard, even Q! And it's opaque to visible frequencies of light! Only £499!!"

"Shut the f*ck up and get stacking, or you'll be back on the dole even quicker than the rest of the temporary Christmas staff!"


Greenest Advert

Awarded to the advert that recycles the most from previous adverts.

And the winner is: PG Tips



In particular, the PG Tips ad that features a box of tea spinning on a record turntable, while Monkey gurns and Johnny Vegas states "This is not just any tea..."

These is not just any advert, this is a rip-off of (sorry, "homage to") the M&S adverts using second-hand characters that PG bought cheap from ONdigital's liquidation auction. Made from 100% recycled ideas, the ad execs must have been so proud.


Best Example of Stating the Bleeding Obvious
Awarded to the advert that most successfully promotes an expected behavour as a special feature of a product.

And the winner is: Glade Scented Oil Candles

Obviously the main concern that the makers of this melting oil candle wanted to allay is the danger of limitless and uncontrolled energy. Thankfully, the voiceover proudly states "when the oil runs out, the candle goes out!".

The Glade researchers must have struggled for ages to develop a product that didn't stay lit when its fuel source ran out. Every experiment frustratingly disproving the law of conservation of energy, the skip outside the Glade labs must be full of failed smelly candles that just won't stop burning, ever!.

These aren't just baked beans on toast...

... these are slow-cooked cannellini and haricot beans in a spicy passata, basil and cumin sauce, served on freshly baked homemade crusty wholemeal toast.

Yeah, I know. M&S spoofs are getting a bit old-hat, but I'm quite proud of my spark of culinary invention tonight. It really was delicious!

Becky's Posh Home-Made Baked Beans on Toast

1 packet of wholewheat bread mix
1 tin cannellini beans
1 tin haricot beans
1 500g carton passata
1 handful of dry red lentils
1 onion
1 clove garlic
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp paprika
1 dash Tabasco chipotle sauce
1 dash Lea & Perrins
1 tsp olive oil
butter or margarine
salt and pepper


Cook the bread mix in a bread maker as per the instructions on the packet.

Fry the onions and crushed garlic in olive oil until softened. Add the cumin and paprika spices and fry them with the onions for a while to release the flavour.

Add the passata, haricot and cannellini beans, and the dried lentils. Season with salt, pepper, Lea & Perrins, Tabasco and basil.

Cook on a low heat for about 20-30 minutes, or until lentils have swollen and the whole thing starts getting thick and mushy.

Toast 6 slices of the freshly-cooked wholemeal bread and spread with butter.

Arrange slices of toast on plate, and top with a generous splodge of beans. Garnish with more L&P if necessary!

Serves four (or two particularly greedy people)

Becky's Utterly Huge (Ego) End-of-Year Quiz!

Rather than writing one of those customary end-of-year reviews that will be plaguing your blog-reader for the next couple of weeks, I thought I'd make it more interesting by making YOU do the work, in the form of a quiz!

No... don't go... this is good! And the thing is, it actually has a proper real-life physical prize.

I can't tell you exactly what the prize is, it will be a surprise, but I will tell you that:

a) It cost me about £20.

b) It's a one-of-a-kind.

c) It continues the end-of-year theme.

d) It's rather swanky, pretty well made, and actually useful.

e) You'll only really appreciate how big my ego is once you've seen it.

The quiz has twelve questions, one for each month of the past year. If you want some clues to the answers then you'll just have to try and find some written record of what I've been up to over the year. Possibly in the form of dated entries in some kind of online "web log", if such a thing exists.

Please enter, even if you don't know all the answers. You never know, you might be the only person who enters. Answers via email, just cut-and-paste the questions into an email and fill in the blanks. Please don't spoil it by posting any answers in a comment, any comments with answers in will be deleted!

Question 1: January
The year was still brand new, and for the first time ever the public got to hear Becky speak. On what high-profile prime-time BBC radio show?

Question 2: February
What birthday did I celebrate in February this year?

Question 3: March
What national news story made a little light flash in my dashboard?

Question 4: April
What major change in my living arrangements occurred for the first time this month?

Question 5: May
What do you have to do to a balloon to distract a trollish tranny?

Question 6: June
I spent a lot of time taking off paint, only to apply a lot more (of the cosmetic kind) for which event?

Question 7: July
I got a bit depressed about the Stupid Trannies, and being the victim of a crime, which was...?

Question 8: August
What seaside town did I put on the map?

Question 9: September
Where did the tranny non-hen-night take place?

Question 10: October
Where was my first post as a married man written?

Question 11: November
Where did I unexpectedly end up at in a Dinner Jacket?

Question 12: December
The year ended with another chance to hear me on the radio. Well... my laugh anyway. On what show?

Rules: Closing date: 24th December 2007. My decisions will be final, no correspondence will be entered into, etc.

Wreath

I... er... have a bit of a taste blind-spot when it comes to Christmas.

Apropos of the telly tonight

I suspect that the trannies who are reading this may disagree, but Miss Congeniality is the greatest tranny fantasy movie never made.

If you don't believe me, watch it and mentally replace Sandra Bullock with a guy forced to go undercover as a beauty queen at a pageant (which, lets face it, is basically how she plays it) and you've got a light comedy Hollywood adaptation of a FictionMania potboiler.

Except good.

Those of a non-geeky nature should look away now

One of the pleasures of buying a new bit of gadgetry is the honeymoon period where you discover all the obscure little features it has. With my new N95 I've been playing about with it's built-in 2D barcode scanner, which gives you a quick way of getting web addresses, phone numbers and short bits of text into the phone. You just point the camera at a printed (or on-screen) code and the phone does the rest.

Of course, this relies on people publishing the codes, at the moment they're not exactly as ubiquitous as they need to be. To this end, Nokia have provided a tool for generating your own. So if you've got the facilities, here's the code for beckysweb.co.uk...



Valerie suggests getting this printed on a t-shirt and wearing it, to help the next time someone doesn't know who I am at a tranny outing, but thinking about it, that has two problems.

1) The t-shirt would probably be too distorted by prosthetic boobs to be machine-readable.

2) Can there still be any trannies of taste and breeding out there who don't know who I am!?!

But maybe I'll print it out and stick it on my wall at work, to get a bit of that hiding-my-secrets-in-plain-sight thrill.

Oh, and for those of you that think that this marks a new low in the geekiness of my blog posts, I say...

I've got an iPhone!

...are exactly the words I'd be blogging now if I'd recently thrown all concerns relating to my bank balance and/or marital harmony to the wind and gone with my primitive caveman hind-brain which has been screaming "me want shiny thing, be envy of Sabretooth tribe, furnish cave with many fine antelope skins bought on eBay whilst on train journeys" for some time now.

But no, the little voice in my head* was right. I don't need one, really. I took the sensible option and invested in an Nokia N95. It's fantastic, especially for free**!



Currently being amazed by the excellent camera (featuring a lens hand-rolled on the thigh of Carl Zeiss himself), and the extraordinary ease in which you can slap pictures onto Flickr... it's a one-click job!

I decided not to port my old number to this phone, which means letting all my contacts know the new number. Normally of course this would just mean a blanket text message from your new phone to everyone you know, being sure of course to not make the rookie mistake of forgetting to put who's actually sent the message. But one has to be careful when one has two sets of friends who don't necessarily know one by the same name, lest one receives numerous replies along the lines of "Er... Becky who?".

*I call her Jane. You might have read her blog.
**I'm choosing to ignore the other little voice in my head that keeps reminding me that an 18-month phone contract doesn't actually count as "free", but that voice is easier to tune out as it's not backed up with threats of physical violence.

ISIHAC

Next Monday at 6:30pm on Radio 4, listen out for me laughing my head off.

Thanks to Jane's quick work nabbing tickets before they sold out, I achieved one of my minor long-term ambitions last night: seeing "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" being recorded live.

If you're unaware of the programme (due to a handicap such as lack of intelligence, taste, or Britishness) Clue is a comedy panel show on UK national radio, which has been running for nearly as long as I've been alive. Jane and I are both huge fans.

We weren't disappointed, it was fantastic. I've not laughed so much in ages.

Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden were both on top form, and Tim Brooke-Taylor's holiday absence was more than made up for by a double-guest lineup of R4 panel stalwart Andy Hamilton and professional grump Jack Dee.

Humphey Lyttelton stumbled over his words a little more than I'd expected, but was as dryly witty as ever, and at 86 years old you can't really blame him for being slightly less on-the-ball than he once was. Oh and if Magpie is reading, please don't beat me up for daring to say a word against Humph!

Oh, and Samantha was stunning! I really didn't expect her to be so beautiful. I tell you, dear Reader, I was sorely tempted to hang around by theatre exit afterwards to meet her in the back passage.