The Year of Living Bexlessly
A while ago, without fanfare, an anniversary passed. I had gone 12 months without going out as Becky. And now, as December draws to a close, I realise that 2008 has been almost completely Bexless. I've not dressed at all this year, apart from a half-hearted attempt back in March for Flickr Tranny Day (which was literally half-hearted, my heart wasn't up to bothering with the bottom half!)
Now, to some of you perhaps just starting to revel in your trannyness, or those of you who still regularly indulge and have no intention of stopping, this might seem to be a bit of a shameful confession. "Call yourself a tranny?" you're almost certainly screaming at the monitor. And you're probably right to do so.
In some ways, it's not a big deal. I don't feel like dressing, so I'm not dressing. It's pointless to force myself to fulfil an urge that's just not there anymore.
In other ways, it's a huge deal.
Take, for example, a recent shopping trip that Jane and I made to Norwich. We didn't really have any plans, apart from a spot of lunch and a bit of retail therapy.
When Becky was at her height, those kinds of trips were enormous fun. There's something joyous about spending money on things you really don't need, particularly for a person who, for many intents and purposes, doesn't even exist. It used to be fun pointing out things that "Becky would like".
It came over me slowly and unexpectedly. Gradually as we walked around the shops, past the racks of clothes, the makeup stands and the jewellery stores, I started to get more and more upset.
By the time we got home, I went to the bedroom and cried for a bit.
It felt like I was mourning. Becky was gone, she didn't need makeup or clothes or jewellery. Over the last year or so I'd lost something, someone, important to me and I hadn't even cared enough to turn up for the funeral.
I tried, badly, to explain it to Jane. Just as I'm trying, badly, to explain it to you now. She was understanding, of course. She was even the one who suggested I tried to blog about it.
I don't know if I can really put it into words though. This is going to be a bit sprawling and lacking in bullet-points.
It's like...
It's like a few years ago I tackled this "tranny thing" by turning it on it's head. Rather than being ashamed of it, I took pride in it. I invested time and money and self-worth in it. There was a person, a tranny, called "Becky Enverite" which other people looked up to, and I was proud to represent.
But like a lot of investments recently, it's stopped paying dividends. I've lost access to something that a lot of my self-worth tied up in it, and now I'm scrabbling around for something else to take pride in myself for.
And everything's gone away, moved on. Nearly all of my best tranny friends don't seem to be active on the scene now, and the scene itself has moved away. Old haunts don't exist, and the new haunts seem just as intimidating as the old haunts did when I was a neophyte tranny in a badly fitting dressing service frock.
My god, what a dreadful self-pitying moan this is turning out to be.
Forgive me for talking about Life as a person, but it's hard to bitch about him otherwise. Life is a bastard to live with. He keeps coming up with things to do to fill your free time, and he's good at piling stuff on top of things you only put down for minute, to stop you getting back to them.
I only put down trannying for a little while, but now it's hidden under a pile of "can I still do it?" and "what clothes still fit?" and "where can I go?" and "who can I go with?" and "where the hell did I leave my best wig?".
Meanwhile while I'm trying to sort through that lot, Life is wandering in with "New House Buying" and "Marriage" and, what was that other thing. Oh yeah, "New Baby Coming". That thing.
And I don't complain, in fact I actively encourage it, because I want this stuff to happen. I just want all the other stuff too. But maybe not as much.
The old Becky has died, and I want to mourn her passing. But it's difficult because she's not gone for good. In fact she might be back next year, if I get off my arse and organise it. Here comes the new Becky, same as the old Becky. Maybe.
I may need some help with this. All suggestions welcome. I can be coaxed from my hole with promises of dance music, quiet areas for chatting and flatteringly dim lighting. I will definitely need a run-up though.
A few final thoughts...
The very things that make being a transvestite a lot of fun: the ephemeral rather than biological nature of it, the lack of need for commitment, the ability to dip your toe in the world of femininity and come out with merely rather nicely painted toes... all those things... are also the things that can make it ultimately a sad persuit. Because when it goes away, you're left with very little to show for it.
The problem is a while ago I learnt the knack to feel like Becky without actually needing to express her. But time went on and now I've lost that knack, and I'm not sure if Becky will come back... or even if she should bother...
I think there's been a rather mournful air to my posts in 2008. Don't worry, I'm actually very happy. On average, I'm probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. It's just that there's something to be said for not always being happy all the time. Sometimes it's nice to be scared, angry, nervous, ecstatic... that's what Becky brought to the party. So maybe 2009, among other Big Things, should be about going and getting her back.
Meh... is anyone actually still reading? :)
Now, to some of you perhaps just starting to revel in your trannyness, or those of you who still regularly indulge and have no intention of stopping, this might seem to be a bit of a shameful confession. "Call yourself a tranny?" you're almost certainly screaming at the monitor. And you're probably right to do so.
In some ways, it's not a big deal. I don't feel like dressing, so I'm not dressing. It's pointless to force myself to fulfil an urge that's just not there anymore.
In other ways, it's a huge deal.
Take, for example, a recent shopping trip that Jane and I made to Norwich. We didn't really have any plans, apart from a spot of lunch and a bit of retail therapy.
When Becky was at her height, those kinds of trips were enormous fun. There's something joyous about spending money on things you really don't need, particularly for a person who, for many intents and purposes, doesn't even exist. It used to be fun pointing out things that "Becky would like".
It came over me slowly and unexpectedly. Gradually as we walked around the shops, past the racks of clothes, the makeup stands and the jewellery stores, I started to get more and more upset.
By the time we got home, I went to the bedroom and cried for a bit.
It felt like I was mourning. Becky was gone, she didn't need makeup or clothes or jewellery. Over the last year or so I'd lost something, someone, important to me and I hadn't even cared enough to turn up for the funeral.
I tried, badly, to explain it to Jane. Just as I'm trying, badly, to explain it to you now. She was understanding, of course. She was even the one who suggested I tried to blog about it.
I don't know if I can really put it into words though. This is going to be a bit sprawling and lacking in bullet-points.
It's like...
It's like a few years ago I tackled this "tranny thing" by turning it on it's head. Rather than being ashamed of it, I took pride in it. I invested time and money and self-worth in it. There was a person, a tranny, called "Becky Enverite" which other people looked up to, and I was proud to represent.
But like a lot of investments recently, it's stopped paying dividends. I've lost access to something that a lot of my self-worth tied up in it, and now I'm scrabbling around for something else to take pride in myself for.
And everything's gone away, moved on. Nearly all of my best tranny friends don't seem to be active on the scene now, and the scene itself has moved away. Old haunts don't exist, and the new haunts seem just as intimidating as the old haunts did when I was a neophyte tranny in a badly fitting dressing service frock.
My god, what a dreadful self-pitying moan this is turning out to be.
Forgive me for talking about Life as a person, but it's hard to bitch about him otherwise. Life is a bastard to live with. He keeps coming up with things to do to fill your free time, and he's good at piling stuff on top of things you only put down for minute, to stop you getting back to them.
I only put down trannying for a little while, but now it's hidden under a pile of "can I still do it?" and "what clothes still fit?" and "where can I go?" and "who can I go with?" and "where the hell did I leave my best wig?".
Meanwhile while I'm trying to sort through that lot, Life is wandering in with "New House Buying" and "Marriage" and, what was that other thing. Oh yeah, "New Baby Coming". That thing.
And I don't complain, in fact I actively encourage it, because I want this stuff to happen. I just want all the other stuff too. But maybe not as much.
The old Becky has died, and I want to mourn her passing. But it's difficult because she's not gone for good. In fact she might be back next year, if I get off my arse and organise it. Here comes the new Becky, same as the old Becky. Maybe.
I may need some help with this. All suggestions welcome. I can be coaxed from my hole with promises of dance music, quiet areas for chatting and flatteringly dim lighting. I will definitely need a run-up though.
A few final thoughts...
The very things that make being a transvestite a lot of fun: the ephemeral rather than biological nature of it, the lack of need for commitment, the ability to dip your toe in the world of femininity and come out with merely rather nicely painted toes... all those things... are also the things that can make it ultimately a sad persuit. Because when it goes away, you're left with very little to show for it.
The problem is a while ago I learnt the knack to feel like Becky without actually needing to express her. But time went on and now I've lost that knack, and I'm not sure if Becky will come back... or even if she should bother...
I think there's been a rather mournful air to my posts in 2008. Don't worry, I'm actually very happy. On average, I'm probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. It's just that there's something to be said for not always being happy all the time. Sometimes it's nice to be scared, angry, nervous, ecstatic... that's what Becky brought to the party. So maybe 2009, among other Big Things, should be about going and getting her back.
Meh... is anyone actually still reading? :)
Anyhoo, slippage happens. I get where you're coming from. No use forcing things, but dipping the toes back in the pool cant hurt.
Anyway, Happy New Year.
Losing such a focal point as TX hurt too, since that was a regular thing you could focus on, and if you missed this month, well there was always next month. Whereas miss an irregular gathering at Pink Punters and you might not get the same group out again for another 12 months.
Would be cool to catch up in 09. I might need a bit of notice though..
I too am with you all the way.
I remember a barren year or more when I fist married when being me ,and expressing me seemed souless, selfish & pointless. However just like in Knight Rider, when KITTs evil twin KARR gets destroyed there is that one faint blinking light that refuses to go out, signalling potential rebirth. (I really ought to lay off the Bailleys)
Hope '09 is everything you wish be it Bexless or Bexfull
As to 'little to show for it' I would disagree. You flew the flag: the press interview, the radio thingy, etc. How many people (TG or not) have come here and felt empowered in some way after what they've read? Maybe it's time to pass the batton on to the next generation. Perhaps there journey wouldn't have been so smooth without what happened previously.
To close, how about this - maybe now you're sorted (happy?), you don't need 'Becky' to be brave and to make you feel good about yourself. You're just you. Just a thought.
In the tranny world, leading lights burst onto the scene, explore what is still an underground and subversive lifestyle, and then disappear in a flash of dead web links. (*Cough* I'm looking at you Siobhan.) I'm no better - my website has remained solidifying in it's amber embrace for a few years now.
However, I feel certain that your change in needs, desires and opportunities shouldn't invalidate what you did before. In fact it should give you more of a chance to illuminate the issues that were worth exploring in the first place. Whether you'll have the energy to put those thoughts into coherent sentences is another question.
In my case I all but stopped dressing for a couple of years. Now, I'm making plans for 2009 that start with loosing a few mince-pies worth of girth. At the moment there doesn't seem to be anything like the venues or events that called out to be visited a few years ago. The shift in the internet to social networking dead-ends like MySpace and so on also means that there aren't the online focal points that there used to be. However, like Cambridge students these things come in cycles, so whilst I try and decide if I can dress and not look ridiculous, I'll be keeping an eye out for the next fun thing to do and way to talk about it.
You never know, maybe we'll meet up there.
(1) Not that the planet doesn't need worrying about. Sometimes the desires of the person sitting next to you are more pressing, that's all.
It seems that you gave the dressing and being focus when it felt right and felt important. When it does not feel right, and does not feel important, its certainly something to note, but not to mourn and certainly not to apologise for.
This should be exciting. And not forced. And we don't need excitment all the time. Thanks for all the lovely thoughts, and a happy new year to you.
And given that I haven't actually seen you since Transpocalypse *three* sodding years ago, it's about time we had a drink. When are you in London? :)
The important thing is to enjoy being you, whoever you are at the time. With the changes in your life, it's not surprising that Becky should take a back seat for a while. But I would lay odds that you will be back - certainly hope so.
Seriously though, what's wrong with not trannying? If you don't get anything out of it, if it isn't rewarding and isn't satisfying some need in you, why feel obliged to do it?
Just be yourself, and if the tranny part of you returns then be that self. In the meantime, try and enjoy your life.
Happy New Year :)
Oh I think you have something to take pride in, the "Oh yeah, New Baby Coming. That thing", your progeny, though I don't have the personal experience, I've seen it in other, family, colleagues etc, it turns their whole life upside down for the first decade and a half or so its a full time job caring for the little ones, But I can see it in their eyes when they talk about them, its an enormous source of pride for them. and those scared, angry, nervous, ecstatic feelings, I'm pretty sure kids can provide you with lots of those.
You have been busy "New House Buying" and "Marriage" and "New Baby Coming" one one year that's a lot, real responsibility, real grown up life, Becky's a smart girl, so perhaps she is just biding her time a while while you have other things going on and when everything else calms down then she might reemerge when its just more convenient.
Though If you do fancy a blast, get down to Pink Punters in your shortest skirt and highest heels and have a silly fun night out. I think a few people could be found to buy you drinks and take far too many photos if you want.
Happy new year. It will probably be an interesting one.
What I do know is that no matter what you are going through, no matter what life is "throwing" at you for the moment, you have a circle of friends here who love and appreciate you very much. Your wit and candor are much appreciated in this world and we would all be less without it!
So don't worry too much about "what" you're doing for the moment, just keep doing it!
Please?
May the New Year bring you much Happiness!
alan
Relax, don't stress it and, above all, have a happy new year guys!
P.S. "Is anyone actually still reading?"
Personally: No. I stopped ages ago - apart from the odd occasion like when you could be arsed writing anything! :-D
As others have said, you have had a busy year, and 2009 looks set to be also busy (and probably sleepless).
I hope Becky does continue in blog form even if not in person for now. I would be devastated to think that there would be no more witty responses to complete fruitcakes of this world or no more Tranny & TV.
Thank you for the efforts so far. All the best for the New Year!
That's exactly how I feel and I really appreciate your advice, Becky. That's probably the best way to go about it. Thank you. =]
Moving to a brighter subject, how big is the bump now? Fatherhood is my Everest in life, once that happens for me, everything is complete. Are you excited? =]
Oh, and Happy New Year!
Ellie xxx
Blwyddyn Newydd Dda!
At least you have been active and had the courage and confidence to explore beyond the confines of the bedroom. I have never had the courage to do that!
So hats off to you - you have had and still have the courage of your convictions.
We go through different phases in our lives as many of the other comments have mentioned. Just because we might not feel like dressing or dont get the opportunity to dress, doesnt mean that its not always there in our minds.
I have had almost no chance to dress (even if only at home) this year - but I think about it every day (probably fuelled by flickr and blogs etc)
You are who you are - and celebrate it - I just wish that I had the confidence that you have to be involved with others in the scene.
Happy New Year and all the best for 2009
http://mistydiary.blogspot.com/
Happy New Year to you and yours.
Other commenters have put things more eloquently, so I'm just going to say a couple of supportive things.
Firstly, thanks for being an inspiration. You've been a great example of trannying being a joy rather than a burden.
And secondly, consider the myth of the phoenix. It has to die to lay its egg. But when the time is right it is reborn from the ashes.
We'll be here when the urge
returns.
I can relate to much of it too... haven't dressed for over a year, Flickr photos long removed, clothes went to charity shop. No idea what today's equivalent of TX is, if there even is one. Surely not Wayout?
So I've moved on... I think. God I miss the escape, camaraderie, vanity and shopping. I do wonder whether anything else can replace it. Mountain climbing? Amateur dramatics? Cosplay? Not likely.
With this in mind, I try to put myself in your shoes. Still maintaining a tranny institution blog; an inadvertent shrine to my fondly-missed alter-ego. A permanent reminder. Still a constant source of 'what u doing tonite babe? i'm in shepherds bush' emails from blokes, I'm sure.
Part of me thinks this must be pretty tiresome. Could I turn it off, or convert it to 'Kevin's Mountaineering Blog'? No - it's a tranny institution.
On the other hand, it must be nice to retain this connection with the lifestyle and community that was once so relished. The fire still burns.
I don't really have a conclusion, so I'll pinch one from above. Ah yes...
I always thought that, if Becky had a 'point', it was something along the lines of, "If you want to do it, do it - it's ok". Surely the converse must be equally "ok"?
Exactly. Happy new year.
I really can't put into words exactly how your life will change when the little person finally shows up, but if you do get the urge or the time to get Becky out & about then I'd gladly give Steph a belated outing :-)
XXX
'prottle' - what a fab word verification :-)
The emotions and thought process you describe seem to be part of an almost inexorable 'conveyor belt'. I've been that route myself, about seven or eight years ahead of you... it's just that you describe it better.
I feel healthier and happier now that the gender-related urges and longings have receded to almost nothing. A person should be in control of their own fate, after all.
Of course, there's trannies and trannies. Other men demonstrate a lengthy 'career' of cross-dressing and eventually express a desire for SRS. No offence to those who go that route, but of these two outcomes I much prefer the fading of feminine impulses.
Jon
Let me just say that this is utter bollocks.
If your looking for a legacy then look no further. For all of us "new" trannies reading your blog and your site has helped to coax us out of our front doors, away from prancing round the front room to Shania Twain and out into the big bad tranny world.
So if Becky does ever make another outing, when your in Pink Punters or Candy World or Napoleons or Sparkle or wherever, just take a quick look around at us newbies in our badly fitting wigs and garish dresses and have a little inward grin to yourself and think "in some small way, I did that".
I like my 'gender-related urges and longings' thank you very much!
I know it's winter and people get a little depressed - but cheer up eh?
kr
Without you I would probably never escaped the closet, never met new friends, never joined Angels, never gone to Sparkle. I, and no doubt many others, value your contributions to the tranyverse and wouldnt want to loose you.
Having said that, you have new responsibilities and as such your life has changed, as it does for all of us, and you just need to addapt and let things settle down.
I wish you a happy and prosperous new year, and if you do get out and about, give me a nudge, maybe we can finally meet and I can buy you that drink I promissed you.
Best wishes,
Sophie.
i never really agreed with the doctors theroys of transuality as they belive it is a disease than can be cusred by removing a willy which i think is kina barbaric for an appenrently sophisticated remedy, because ultimatly it has to be a consious descicion to decide that 'i am a woman'
people get issues throughout life and have to learn to deal with them within themselves. Learn to deal with you inner feelings and say i do not care. only the truely content find out why they do not care but it is a very important journey to take, apparently.
dig up you subconsious becky listen observe and take notes and when you finally feel you have grasped you core basic survival mechanism remeber to stop caring about everything and continue like everyone else
you cannot live with things if they bother you and they have a negative effect however trivial, that is why people get mental health issues like post traumatic stress disorder, in fact most mental illness's attribute to casting blame on the past or a negative attitute you have subconsoiusly developed and forced on yourself to trouble you.
I can understand something of what you're going through. I'm going through what is probably my longest sustained period of Rachel-lessness since I came out 18 months ago. Sure I've tried on and bought a frock in a charity shop, but I've not actually had a full Rachel-session for over a month now. And for me that's a long time. And I still have no great urge to do so at the moment either.
That's not to say I probably won't go out in the next few weeks, but I can feel that the urge to do so isn't as strong. Possibly it's the summer heat, and things will return to normal in teh autumn. Or, possibly, a new life has changed how I think about things. Who knows?
And because so much time has gone by, when you do think you've found it again it suddenly becomes a very big thing, which can actually make it seem even worse.....
I would encourage you to get back on that tranny horse ( there's a thought for you ) but only if you want to, and only if you need to :)
Oh, and i am still reading, you always make me think and laugh in equal measure, hmmmm, that doesn't sound right, your blog, your writing, always makes me think and laugh in equal measure, that's better :)
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