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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Becky - The Wilderness Years

Part 4 of Tales of Serendipity

This is a bit of a supplemental chapter, please feel free to skip it if you're not interested in the very early stirrings of a young tranny abroad!

Becky, of course, didn't actually exist as a named individual before 2000, and the faint inklings of tranny-ness I was carrying around in my head certainly hadn’t got a name back when I was in Sri Lanka.

I’ve just always wanted to use “Becky - The Wilderness Years” as a blog title!

I soon realised when I started trying to write down experiences from that time (when I was between nine and eleven years old) that while I distinctly remembered having tranny thoughts before I went to Sri Lanka, and I definitely had them afterwards, it was hard to remember specific tranny-related stuff from the time I was there.

I have dredged up a couple of memories though. One of my friends was the daughter of one of the ex-pat families we tended to hang around with. One weekend we were all visiting a hotel complex up the coast, and she and I got to exploring the rooms and corridors. We were always exploring, we lived to find places that we though no-else knew existed. We seemed to spend most weekends in various hotels, and the back-corridors and service areas were our secret passages and concealed hideouts.

This day we'd "borrowed" yellow towels from a maid's trolley and were using them as props for games. As a joke this girl (dammit... I can't recall her name) wrapped one around my head so it hung down over my shoulders. A bit like long blonde hair.

She laughed and said I looked like a girl, and then found another towel and wrapped it around my waist like a skirt. We then played a game, at her suggestion, where I had to pretend I was her younger sister.

Of course, my fledgling tranny neurones were firing like crazy. Not really knowing why this seemed so exciting, just knowing it was. The girl said that I would look great in makeup, and she'd make me over the next time I visited her house.

I protested like crazy and said I'd never do that because I was a boy (why? WHY do trannies always act so defensively?) and she never went through with the "threat".

Even when I made pointed reminders on each of my visits to her house. "Huh... you'd better not try to put that makeup on ME!!"

Yeah, I know, such a fool.

The other thing I recall was an occasion when my parents had gone out for the evening and we were again being baby-sat by Sheila, who (as always) was pretty much letting us get away with murder.

I'd been thinking about some of the cool summer dresses and makeup and stuff that my mum had, but there was never a time when I was alone in the house to, er, investigate.

I couldn’t stand it any more, so I decided to co-opt my brother into things.

"I say! Here's a wizard wheeze!" I said to him (or words to that effect). "Why don't we go into Mum and Dad's bedroom and try on clothes and stuff."

My 7-year-old brother, completely oblivious to my ulterior motives but always looking for inventive new ways to be naughty, was all for it. So (once again advising Sheila that this was to be kept strictly secret) we ventured into our parent’s bedroom.

There followed and evening of my brother and I prancing about in flouncy dresses and inexpertly applied lipstick. I’d made a little more effort than my brother, naturally, but not so much that it didn’t look like carefree messing about.

We cleared up afterwards. No-one would ever know we'd been. I even didn't argue about tidying up my brother's share of the mess, which was highly unusual.

Mum still, inexplicably, found out. We were both given a stern telling off. My brother was apologetic, I was mortified.

No prizes for guessing who the snitch was. Stitched up by Sheila, again!

The funny thing is, decades later when I came out as a tranny to my mum, I mentioned that dressing-up session. Because I was convinced she might have guessed from that occasion (and other indiscretions) that I was interested in girl's clothes.

Amazingly, she could hardly recall it happening, despite her anger at the time being seared in my memory. Just goes to show, I think, that trannies tend to place more emphasis in our minds on things that we feel "out" us, when the other people involved barely register them.

Final part: Trouble

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Blogger sophie h  It must have been around this time when I first remember ‘experimenting’. Being almost couple of years older than yourself Becky, I would persuade my parents to leave me at home when they went into town or out for the evening.
Of course this was great as far as I was concerned, but there were many times when I nearly got caught, and there would be a quick dash across the landing (past my parents standing downstairs in the hall) to the bathroom. Not easy in your mothers high heel boots, skirt and blouse.
I would then wait until the coast was clear, and having got changed, put the clothes away until my next opportunity. 
Blogger Pandora Caitiff  I think its a combination of paranoia and self-importance that makes us worry more about early incidents.

And keep the tales coming. I'm seeing a lot of themes paralleled in my own early years, its nice to be reminded we are all similar in many ways. 

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

Sky One in Good Tranny Doc Shocker

So did anyone watch "Transvestite Wives" the other night on Sky One? Having "Sky-Plussed" it mid-week, I watched it last night. I was all ready to be shocked, appalled and toe-curled, but it was surprisingly good. The couples featured were all sensitively handled, allowed to get their points of view across and it wasn't overly editorialised.

All kudos to the trannies and partners who agreed to take part, if someone had come to me and said they were making a tranny documentary for the same channel that brought us the unforgivably awful "There's Something about Miriam", I wouldn't have touched it with the proverbial.

I have seen some TG forums complaining that "Transvestite Wives" is part of a documentary strain featuring programmes about the wives of BNP activists and polygamists, which they think tars transvestism with the "sickos and perverts" brush by association. But to my mind that's a bit like dolphins complaining that they're lumped with the Nazis on the Discovery Channel.

My only minor complaint was the title suggested it was going to feature trannies who thought of themselves as wives, which is a bit beyond the remit of the average transvestite.

I'd have called it something much less snappy like "Wives of Transvestites", which just goes to show why I don't have a job working for Sky One. Well, that and not thinking that programme planning consists of working out how many back-to-back episodes of The Simpsons will fit in 3 hours of prime time.

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Blogger Chrissy J.  I missed it, 'cos VirginMedia (or whatever they're called this week) fell out with Sky, didn't they?

Hundreds of channels... nothing on.

...how many back-to-back episodes of The Simpsons will fit in 3 hours of prime time.

Seven, without the adverts. 
Anonymous Nicky  So with the adverts that's about three and a half then. 

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Sunday, September 09, 2007

High Street shopping

A lot of my recent shopping trips for Becky have been unsuccessful. As I've said before, last year's trend for bold prints in ghastly colours did absolutely nothing for me. So I've been really pleased to see a funkier metallic and punky vibe coming in with the autumn fashions.

Jane and I took a trip into town today, ostensibly to look for clothes to take on honeymoon in the outgoing summer sales, but also to look for something to wear next weekend at Angelic. I've always felt more comfortable buying stuff on the High Street, as opposed from out of catalogues. I just find the "hit rate" a bit better, even if I'm nearly always shopping in Boy Mode and never try things on.

We started off in the Matalan on the outskirts of town, which used to occasionally have some great deals but now seems to be suffering from everyone copying their cheap-as-chips clothes and homewares aesthetic. Although I did find a couple of nice short-ish skirts (one black, one a kind of tweed), and a roasting dish (er, for lasagnes, not as some kind of fashion statement).

Then it was on to the High Street proper. We skimmed through Next (still trying to flog last year's fashions) and River Island (better, but not much), and spent a bit longer in Dorothy Perkins, which had some great stuff in the window that didn't seem to be sold anywhere in the shop. Don't you hate that?

Then we tried Top Shop (maybe after a bit more dieting) and MKone (better, but nothing "sang" to me) and I was beginning to think that maybe I wasn't going to have any luck. Then we popped into Peacocks where Jane spotted a fab black asymmetric top with a chain shoulder detail and silver motif which just "said Becky" to her, and I agreed immediately.

Feeling bolstered by this find we went on to New Look, and by now it was Jane's turn to feel unblessed by the Shopping Fairy, with nothing really catching her eye. I however was in the Zone, and found a fabulous gold-flecked dress in the "tall" section and quickly matched it with a wide gold stretchy belt and a gold necklace.

The trip finished in Sainsbury's. While I made a start on the week's shopping list, Jane popped in to their clothes department, emerging a few minutes later clutching a small bag and grinning from ear to ear. She'd found a fab shawl/scarf in a tasteful leopard print that suited her to a tee. Only a few pounds in the sale, but I would have paid £100 to see that smile. :-)

So I'm now two outfits ahead of the game, which means we can have a casual shop around Milton Keynes next weekend without having to panic about what I'm going to wear that night. Excellent!

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Blogger Mariana  I hate that too, it's one of my pet peeves. Going into a shop just because I saw something in the window that I really like, but it's not for sale. Then why is it in the window? That, and going through the bother of studying a restaurant's menu that's also in the window before going in, so that I don't waste my time or theirs; only to find out that precisely what I wanted to eat is no longer being served. Would it have been too much bother to simply cross it out from the menu then? It's what I would do, out of respect for my clients. (/rant)

Your shopping experience seems to have been a good one, though! It's great to hear you sounding so happy. :) Going shopping, planning a wedding... For lots of people those things are a nightmare, but you seem to having a good time. 
Anonymous Siobhan  Thank God I steered myself away from the goold-flecked dress I had my eye on in New Look on Saturday... 

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

On muggles

On the eve of the last book and the latest film in the Harry Potter franchise, can I launch a campaign to expunge a particularly irksome Potterism from the Tranny Lexicon?

The word is muggle.

In the Potter universe it's uttered to describe non-magical humans, i.e. most of us. It's an ugly-sounding word, and it's designed to be. It's used normally in a derogatory sense. Muggles are generally seen as bland, ordinary and so stupid as to not realise the whole magical sub-culture of witches and wizards going on under their very noses.

In trannydom the word seems to have been adopted to mean "non-trannies", i.e. everyone supposedly not blessed with the magical ability to tip-toe merrily across the gender divide, like a wizard tip-toes merrily through brick walls at train stations (you can't tell I've only read one book, can you?).

To my ear, the tranny muggle still has the derogatory connotations of the Harry Potter muggle. It smacks of an elite looking down on a lesser class of people. I can kind of understand how it's a reaction by trannies who want to overturn the misconception that they are a lesser class of person, but I still think it's misguided.

And I don't really see why we need a word, when there's a perfectly suitable, albeit hyphenated, one in the form of "non-tranny". Or, how about this radical idea? Just call them people, which is what they are.

I'm sounding terribly lefty and right-on, aren't I? :-S

Let me phrase it another way for the trannies who are reading: we all know we're a little bit special, we don't need to rub it in to all those who aren't!

And to the non-trannies reading: Call me a tranny if you like, because that's what I call myself, but if you don't use derogatory words for me, then I'll practice the same courtesy to you. :-)

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Blogger Billy  Did you know that "muggles" was Louise Armstrong's slang word for marijuana.

He even did a song about it. 
Blogger Billy  Louise?????

I of course meant "Louis" 
Blogger Joanna  Louise Armstrong had real trouble passing.

I think the voice didn't help. 
Blogger Kat  And it's also been the topic of debate over here:

http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/community/showthread.php?t=8898&highlight=Muggles

Great minds and all that 
Blogger Penny M  This is political correctness gone mad, why oh why... (complete this yourself using any old copy of the Daily Mail).

But Becky, if we don't call them muggles, what else can we call non-trannies? We need something that describes what they are in relation to trannies for when we are talking about being amongst them, something that pertains to our transgender yet negates it. I've racked my brains and I can't think of another way of describing non-trannies 
Blogger Becky  What's wrong with "non-trannies"? :-)

Or invent a new word, I'm not saying there shouldn't necessarily be a word, I just think "muggles" is horrible and insulting. 
Anonymous Paula Jayne  "NONIES" 
Blogger Pandora Caitiff  Having been part of other secret elitist communities (roleplayers, anime fans, classical music buffs etc) I like the term "mundanes".

OK, its slightly derogatory depending on inflection, but its main meaning is 'those people not aware of the magical beings who live right under their noses'. 
Blogger Penny M  "What's wrong with "non-trannies"? :-)"

Damn, I wasn't obvious enough, this humour thing is very complicated :-( 
Blogger Becky  In retrospect I get it, Penny. :D 
Anonymous Siobhan  I concur, and would like to add a lot of other words to that list 
Blogger Lynn Jones  > mundanes.

Is that a Shadowrun or WoD reference?

I tend to use 'Joe Public' or 'you normal folk' most of the time. Course, what's normal nowadays? :) 
Blogger Gordon  Call us what you like. Seriously, muggle, non-trannie, whatevah (!).

Part of me is intrigued whenever this kind of thing comes up, and I think I understand the rationale behind it (but it can be hard being a middle of the road joe average sometimes, and as such I haven't gone through any of these processes other than in my head).

Sticks and stones and all that, innit? 
Anonymous NH  Role players are an elite????? 
Blogger Gillian  errrrr, did I start this?? not that I get out much but I started using this before I heard anyone else use it.

I like it, it's comfortable and friendly and I don't see it as insulting at all, we're blokes in frocks, not something generally acknowledged to give you a whopping great superiority complex 
Blogger Siobhan  Can we call them 'Men'? 
Blogger Pandora Caitiff  Lynn - Its WoD. A related term is "consor" or "kinfolk" someone who isn't a *whatever* but understands the issue and is part of the *whatever* community

NH - I said we were *elitist* not elite :) 
Blogger Deacon Barry  Mundanes is a Xanth reference, from the series written by Piers Anthony. 
Anonymous Anonymous  Fiona said

How about greys 

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

We Sparkled

Sparkle ... what can I say?

No really, what can I say? I've run out of new and interesting ways to do post-outing write ups without slipping into tired cliches.

I want to say "it was so nice to see x y and z again", but that would be boring. But then again, I did meet a lot of nice people, both old friends and new. And it was nice. Really nice. I'll just leave out the list of everyone, because you know who you are.

But that wasn't the important thing.

I want to write up a detailed account of the 3 days, but that would probably be boring too. So I'll summarize: I dressed up a lot. We went out a lot. Sparkle happened around us. And in many cases despite of us.

But that's not the important thing either.

I want to write gushing praise for people like Kim Nolan, and the AXM people, and the hundreds of other people who put an amazing amount of effort into making Sparkle happen.

That's important, but that's not it.

We took quite a few pictures:

Becky @ SparkleJane and ClarissaJo @ SparkleValerie with PuddingSackville GardensPhoto Op

But, believe it or not, that's not the most important thing.

This is the most important thing: I felt great. And, for the first time in a fair while, I felt like I looked great. Which, sometimes, is the most important thing of all.

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Blogger Valerie S  Was fabulous to see you and spend time together again! 
Blogger Mariana  You do look great, and your self-confidence shows. 
Blogger Penny M  The great thing about Sparkle is the chance to meet friends and have a chat. The terrible thing is that it is so busy that you only get a chance to wave or exchange a few words with so many people.

Oh, and the other terrible thing is the way your heels sink in the mud (Glastonbury must be torture for trannies this year).

And, there is turning up in the park to see the act you were looking forward to is just leaving the stage.

And, and trying to get to the loo... 
Anonymous Stacey  We never got to see eachother for our customary micro-chat, glad you had a great time!! 
Blogger Karol Cross  Becky
You did look great, and thats official! 

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Friday, June 08, 2007

Save the planet

I need to work on this a little more, but I couldn't resist letting you try it before I go away for the weekend. :-)

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Blogger Freiya  you are a fabulously talented person y'know? i am, as always, impressed by your creativity,
i got Eddie Izzard, which is no bad thing, although i'm not so sure about the whole joining the foreign legion suggestion, zut alores! as they might say...... 
Anonymous Lauren Close  Once more with the coolness. I love it!

(So how many people had to keep going back until they saw all the answers?) 
Anonymous Alli' Cat'  658503 COt
Do you feel lucky punk - Well do you?
(kind of lacks impact when you're holding a lipstick instead of a B.F.G.)

Nice one Becky - you're spoiling us.
Have a good weekend. :-) 
Blogger Carolyn Ann  681,472 COt

I need to do a "Clint" more often. :-)

Carolyn Ann 
Blogger Pandora Caitiff  614125 COt

I thought I was quite a low profile tranny, but I score "medium" across the board.

Looks like Clint for me too.

Nice one Bex! 
Blogger Connie Cox  LOL Wicked idea
I got an "Eddie" so am in good company 
Anonymous Stephanie Delacey  Oo-er I got 1906624 COt - Eurovision Song Contest. Is that bad?

I'm not sure about the tranny-offset advice, though - "Take up professional wrestling" Erm, I don't think being manhandled by beefy men is going to cure anything, do you? More of an encouragement, I wuld have thought :-p 
Blogger Becky T  Our survey said: 1225043 COt, not bad, though maybe I have an excuse. :) 
Blogger Penny M  I don't care how much 2048383 COt is, I am NOT taking up professional wrestling! It would ruin my nails! 
Blogger Tiffany  Something tells me that this quiz isn't actually for me. :\ 

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Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Vaportrannies

You've heard of vaporware, right? The term is used to describe software which announced to great fanfare, with loads of great promised features, but then sits in development for years and is never actually released.

I've noticed a similar phenomenon, the vaportranny.

This kind of tranny appears suddenly on the online scene, writes copiously about their transvestism on internet outlets, particularly about their desire to "get out and meet all the friends I've made online" and their frustrations of not having any decent pictures to show yet, but never actually seems to get round to being seen out in public, or even posting pictures of themselves for people to see.

Now, I know it's a shallow to base the entire legitimacy of a transvestite on whether they've posted a few thousand Boudoir shots on Flickr or not, but sometimes I left with the nagging suspicion that some trannies online are little more than the figment of the imagination of some bloke with mild tranny tendencies but no real desire to actually act on them.

None of you, of course. ;-)

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Blogger Pandora Caitiff  I can see it now in FHM/Nuts/whatever "Transvestism: The New Aspirational Lifestyle Choice" :)

A lot of people are online claiming to be someone their not. Interesting to see we have wannabees too! 
Blogger Penny M  Wannabee trannies, what a thought!

I have noticed that you can meet novice (as in - they haven't got the habit yet, tee hee) Tgirls online, chat, think you've got to know them, arrange to meet, and they back out then disappear altogether. I always thought it was:
a) me
2. them getting cold feet when faced with the enormity of swanning around in public
but a few other girls have mentioned a similar thing.

I really suspect that there are huge numbers of men who would secretly like to dress up and mince about though, they just haven't admitted it to themselves yet.

Girls, we have work to do, we have to bring trannying to the masses... 
Blogger steph_angel  "None of you, of course. ;-)"

Phew... I was waiting for the embarrassing naming & shaming at the end!!! 
Blogger Susan  Actually, this sounds horribly like me. :(
While I have a few pictures up, getting up the effort to do anything can be a bit too much at times. 
Blogger Becky  Aw bless!

You'll get there Susan, sounds like you want to, rather than the type of person I'm talking about who's not really got any intention to. 
Anonymous Suzie Tall  You get all dressed up, go out, and no one takes your picture! Memoirs of a transparent tranny. 
Anonymous Lauren Close  That's not fair! I'm totally going out this weekend!

Definitely. Really. I am a real gir^Hperson. 
Anonymous Tess  You don't mean....
G-g-g-ghost tranny! Call Scooby and the gang immediately. 
Blogger Jessica Hart  ** Jessica checks her Flickr **

** Jessica finds lots of sets from Boudoir **

** Jessica runs and hides **

But if you are going to Sparkle you will see me there... 
Anonymous Jessica Shannon  I think it's a bit harsh to suggest that they're somehow faking it, or they're not as good a tranny as you are. Some people really struggle to come to terms with this stuff, they have girlfriends or wives, sometimes even kids. They struggle with the fact that they feel they can't ever look feminin.

You must remember those days! We were all there. You should be grateful you had the opportunities you did and encouragement from the right people to start going out.

It's fair enough having a go at the people with the fake rg pics. But you shouldn't be picking on the people who are just scared!

I know it's easy to look at it from this side and wonder what the hell they're stressing about. We're lucky though. 
Blogger Becky  I'm not picking on anyone, I'm not talking about the scared/trapped ones.

I've talked about the gratitude I felt towards people who helped get me out, and I'm not suggesting that I'm somehow "better" than people who don't get those opportunities.

It would be "harsh" if I was saying that all trannies that never go out or show pictures are faking it, I deliberately didn't say that, I said that I sometimes suspect that some of the most active online trannies are happy to stay just with the online persona, and never act on it. 
Anonymous Jayne  Just to really stir you up, I could maybe argue that your are not really going for it, unless you have your man bits cut off like what I did!

That would not be very nice or accurate though. Bugger it, no matter what we are, we are all trannies together, even though since my new birth certificate, I am not a tranny any more! Damn... 
Anonymous Jessica Shannon  I guess it comes down to a simple existential problem of what is a tranny™. Why can't people who never actually fit the commonly accepted definition of a tranny be one anyway, if they identify with it and consider them to be a tranny, at least in some way.

So long as they avoid causing problems for people by ripping off photos. I think the fact that they continue with the fantasy that they will one day make it out is an important part of their identity and you should give them the benefit of the doubt. 
Anonymous Alli' Cat'  > ...figment of the imagination of some bloke with mild tranny tendencies but no real desire to actually act on them.
So as long as you "act on them" then you're 'valid'?
Do only particular actions validate you or do they all carny equal weight? For example: Is sitting round in heels and a frock, watching the tele' and getting pissed at home as valid as doing the same thing in a hotel room? Does it only count if you go out in public (despite the fact that those heels, on your size 10 feet, make you 6' 7")? Is it all invalid without documentary evidence? Should there be a 'sliding scale' of tranniedom, with points to be collected, on a card, awarded by official adjudicators? Set 'tasks' and time-limits?

Do I sound a tad pissed-off? 
Anonymous Alli' Cat'  Actually; I'm more pissed than pissed-off, and my panties are in a bunch! 
Anonymous Emma G  You do have a way of stirring the pot with a bit of spice, MS Becky! But I think you made it pretty clear you were talking about those who deceived themselves in regard to their intention and then deceive others in the process of announcing that intention. My internal admission occurred in early childhood. My first public outtings in high school were under "false pretenses", Haloween Masquerades, costume parties, etc. Playing at being who I was, but couldn't admit to anyone, rather than being who I was.It didn't occur to me then that the longer I waited, the more I'd accumulate that would have to be put at risk if I decided to actually be what I wished/hoped/dreamed I could be. That self deception was costly in its own ways, both for me and for others. It's only hindsight that shows me what I could have done differently.
I'm glad the world is moving, even slowly, towards more tolerance. But for some people it might well be not only too slow, but too late. You get to a certain age in life and all you have left of the dreams are vapors. 
Blogger Kat  Initial reaction: "yeah, these phantom trannies who do fuck all except live in their own heads and on their keyboards".

Upon refelction: "Maybe the outlet that is the interweb is an avenue for some people to manage their feelings, whereas in the past things could have exploded in one unseemly geyser of emotional rejection, heartache, guilt, destruction and shattered family lives. Maybe it is enough for someone to live out a fantasy online and manage to hold things together - like a family, marriage".

If someone in Newport Pagnell (because I left my bag there once, so said Morrissey) is happy enough and not hurting anyone, then I suppose who are we to say owt.

I dunno, I suppose it may reflect that I don't really give a fcuk about what people get upto online. It's what they do 4Real (thanks Richie Manic) that counts.

Or maybe I'm of my head... 
Blogger Jessica Sweet TV  Guess In my previous stage a was a vepportranny then. 
Blogger steph_angel  cough... 'can of worms'... cough ;-) 
Anonymous beki  I can now see the need for some Tranny Top Trumps™ :0s 

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Five Versions of Becky

Becky is, to a large extent, a digital entity. In reality at the moment I only answer to the name "Becky" about one night in a sixty, but virtual Becky exists all the time.

24/7 you can see her pictures, or browse her web site, or send her an email. This Becky (I'm tempted to call her something like CyberBecky to avoid confusion with the real flesh-and-blood Becky, but let's just make it clear that from now on when I'm talking about Becky I'm talking about the virtual version of me) is like my Electric Monk.

Douglas Adams invented the Monk in his book Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency as a labour-saving device for a technologically advanced society. In this society they had devices to do every tedious task, from VCRs to watch tedious television for them, to the Monk to believe in things for them. The Monk believed in things so people didn't have to. In the book he went wrong, and started to believe in all kinds of things. It's a great read, but I digress.

Virtual Becky cross-dresses so that I don't have to. I get some of the caché of being an active full-time transvestite without the tedious daily shaving, making up and dressing bit.

There have been several versions of Virtual Becky, as my transvestism has changed, and technology and my relationship to it has evolved.

Becky 0.1 Alpha

This was pre-release, and actually pre-internet. This early version of Becky was the subject of stories, basic tranny fantasies, written furtively on MacWrite and stored on a carefully hidden floppy disks.

You think that's weird? This first version of Virtual Becky was weird. Over time as Becky became more "real", Virtual Becky became less weird. But here, right back at the beginning, Becky was a very private, very odd, thing.

Actually, it was actually a bit weirder than that...

I found this little program that wrote random sentences, based on fairly complex grammatical rules. I re-wrote this program to make up random tranny fantasies with Becky as the subject. Because then it wasn't me making me dress up, it was the computer telling me to, do you see? Do you see? I'm not a transvestite... it's the computer making me do it!

Er... yeah... pretty weird, now I think about it.

Becky 0.5 Beta

Fast-forward quite a few years and I've discovered the Internet. At first I'm happy to treat it as a read-only medium, voraciously hunting down the tranny fiction that other people had posted. I remember looking at tranny sites a bit like this one and thinking it was all very interesting but it wasn't really for me. Because I wasn't like those transvestites who went out and did stuff, it all existed in my head and that's where I was happy to keep it.

I still had the creative urge to create "tranny interest" stuff, and I started to make "captioned images" with Photoshop. They followed quite a simple theme, a picture of a real girl with a caption that suggested she was actually a boy. Actually "caption" isn't really the right word, they were little stories. Some of them even had plots! ... Well maybe not plots as such, but definitely a form of narrative.

But yeah, still deeply weird.

The difference this time was I was sharing them with other people. I set up a little group on Lycos (remember when Lycos had groups?) to publish the captioned images to. It was quite a popular little group (by the standards of these things), and for the first time there were people who "knew" me as Becky, albeit only as an online persona.

Joanna knows me from back then. She's probably got a few captions of mine from back then that could really embarrass me if they ever saw the light of day... but we have enough dirt on each other to ensure mutual distruction!

After a while I started to get to know via chat some of the people who were reading my captions, and struck up online friendships.

One of the people I got chatting to was a guy called Jay, whose went by the femme name of Jade and the online name of Jaded. Jaded because he'd done the whole "out every night" tranny thing and got tired of the whole scene.

One day I really must write properly about Jay. He was instrumental in helping me find a proper place for Becky in my life, and I owe him a lot. Unfortunately he died suddenly of a heart attack a few years back, just as I was getting on to the tranny scene, and I never got to meet Jade en-femme.

Becky 0.9 (Release Candidate A)
Through the gentle encouragement of Jay, I was eventually persuaded to go on my first ever "proper" tranny shopping trip. Within a day I'd made my second trip to Transformation (the first was back in the Becky 0.1 days and involved a hideous velour maid's outfit) and bought a set of nasty silicon boobs and an M&S bra to keep them in.

Becky still wasn't out. But she was making tentative steps in that direction. I'd joined the Angels Yahoo group and had started talking properly about my transvestism. This was a major step. Up until now Becky had been just a fantasy, a mental construct who formed the subject of silly stories revolving around being made to dress up. For the first time I was admitting that I wanted to dress up, and that was a real watershed.

Becky 1.0
Within months I'd made my first outing, and within days of that outing I'd bought the beckysweb domain and set up this site. It was basically just a place to show off my coveted first makeover pictures, but I put a little thought into the design (I went for the "deliberately crap" look... it's served me well ever since) and I was quite happy with the result.

Thanks to the Internet Archive Wayback Machine, you can get an idea of what my site used to look like all those years ago. Some of the pictures are broken, but it still kinda works.

Version 1 of Virtual Becky lasted quite a while, with just minor increment upgrades. I kept going out, and I kept posting pictures. Each new set of pictures had a bit of a background story to accompany them, but I didn't really say much about me, I wasn't happy revealing too much about Simon, or what I really thought about stuff.

I also started sticking other stuff on the site, the tranny licence dates from about Becky 1.2.

Becky 2.0


The latest, and current, version of Becky was brought about by sticking a blog onto the site, and then realising I actually had to write stuff to fill it. Suddenly I realised that to have a blog that was anything more than "what club Becky went to this week" I'd need to write about me, and that meant writing about Simon as well as Becky, and re-incorporating Simon and Becky into one entity.

Thus Virtual Becky completed a arc, starting as a very private thing in my head, moving out onto the web, then further out into the real world and finally home again. Now she's in my head and "out there".

It seems to be working like this.

But I feel vague twinges, like things are going to change. I wonder what Becky 3.0 will be like.

...

I kinda wrote this in the hope that other people might be able to relate... maybe not to the weirder bits, but in general. Have you gone through your own "ages" online?

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Anonymous Emma G  I thought this was a beautiful, touching and personal post and it called up lots of memories of "ages" I went through. Some of the ones you labeled "weird" lasted many years for me. I bought a cheap poloraid camera just so I could have a document or two of Emma (whose name was first Victoria). And I kept them ( a total od five) stashed inside a box in the basement. I did pretty much the same route as you on line, being just and observer for a long time, then joining in by writing stories or actually talking in chat groups. There was a Canadian site then, "The Wildside" I think it was called where I started figuring out who Emma was and was not. I found other chats and forums, and eventually I met my partber on one of them. I made friends that I traded phone numbers with and had long conversations with. I actually had my first "girlfriend" (as in two girls being best friends) connection with one of them We spent some nights talking for hours, crying, sharing secrets. When I finally got to Australlia to meet my partner "in real", we had already being talking on line and by phone for 18 months.(and literally $1000s of dollars)
Like lots of relationships , we withindrew to build a life between us and I went back to being an observer seeking answers to specific questions on line again. I guess I also got Emma out into the real world more. It was easier being in a country where I had no history.
Now I'm somewhere between your 1.0 and 2.0 versions. And I understand what you mean about the virtual/real personas and how they start to merge, but stay separate too. And it seems to be working well that way for me also.

Thanks for a terrific post, Becky


Hugs 
Blogger steph_angel  I've gone through exactly those stages over the years, apart from the hideous velour maid's outfit perhaps ;-)

Sometimes it takes time to realise that your life has moved into a new version and it takes time to grasp exactly what form this new version has taken (oh it's a bit like the regenerating Dr. Who!!!)... Steph quietly morphed into version 3.0 a little while ago (marriage & a baby perhaps had a hand in this???) and I'm still trying to get to know all of the quirks of this new version...

And as usual I write more on other people's blogs than I do on my own!!! 
Blogger Joanna  Nice post.

If it makes you feel safer I only have three of your v0.5 images, and they are the more (deliberately) comical ones you did ;)

We've all gone through many stages, and like many things it's something I should document myself sometime. I think it's also down to how the nature of the Internet has changed over the years as it has become much easier to stop just reading and start creating/sharing bits of ourself.

Kinda worried what Becky Vista or the equivalent will look like. 
Anonymous Miss K  I appear to have got stuck as the weird version. Like if Colin Baker never. regenerated. shudder.

Great writing Bex 
Anonymous Alli' Cat'  Nothing to contribute to the 'stages' theme I'm afraid; but I just wanted to say, "what a great post". Thanks for the link to Becky 1.0's site - very interesting (I guess I must have started with Becky 2.0). One thing seems to have remained constant: your irreverent and self-deprecating sense of humour - one of the things that makes me keep coming back. Keep up the good work!

@Joanna: "Becky Vista" [shudder!] 
Anonymous Laura Lenley  Becky, the stages of our individual TG-ness are reflected in your own story.

And while we identify with the progression, I'm still comforted by the by-product of your blog. That is, just by hearing your story, and reading replies from others, I'm once again reminded that I'm not alone in this gig.

Thanks for that. 
Anonymous NH  For me, "Logo needs work" is still the best Becky Sweb strapline. 
Blogger Lynn Jones  While there's a fair amount of similarity in tranny lifepaths, it's the little bits that make it different for each of us - and therein lies the hook that makes each story unique.

I think the Becky 2.0 part speaks volumes (at least to me). It's the jump when there is no longer a split in behaviour - a move to just one personality if you will. Two names yes, but someone who's whole - no more denial and segregation.

Becky 3.0... Peace?

> through your own "ages" online?

I guess so. I did the fiction thing (just the one story), missed on images and bypassed the Geocities pages for a blog instead. It's all there in glorious blogtastic backstory. Reading back through some of the posts, it's weird looking back to see where you've come from. 
Anonymous Jayne  Funny, when I first checked in all of those years ago, I was a very unhappy lost soul. I loved your early jokes about improving the site and just enjoying what you were in Kings Lynn, the tranny capital...

I changed and I had a lot of help to do so, not just from the NHS, but from the people who touched my soul. I religiously carried my Tranny License right up until I stopped feeling like a tranny. Is this selling out or going the whole hog?

I don't know what version I am now, but it probably involves some form of Penguins (I am now investigating Linux)

I remember writing to Becky about three years ago saying that she was inspirational. I still believe that, but she inspires me in a different way today.

So Becky next version? How about hitting those Benjamin Standards and coming the whole way? You pass easier than some of the poor souls I met on my journey.

Thanks for making being TG fun, the NHS make it far too serious...
Loves Ya
XXX 
Blogger Mariana  You're such an adorable person, Becky! I'm glad I found you on the internet. If you're this mature and interesting now I really look forward to what the future will bring. 
Blogger Lara Tyg  Well as long as your using the computer o/s analogy, I think I'm still stuck in basic.

10 for x = 1 to 1000,000
20 if x < 1000,000 then gosub 70
30 if x > 1000,000 then goto 50
40 next x
50 print "Move on to next level !"
60 goto 10
70 print "dress"
80 return

Yes I remember the old site, & remember feeling a little warmer that there was another so close to home going through the same. Although Iv'e tried to hold back keep things in check for so many years I guess every TV can recognise the different periods they go through & clearly remember their mindset at the time.
Glad you brought this up & hope the married version Becky is a happy one. 
Blogger Joggerblogger  Great post :-)

I've known Becky version 1 and 2 and love ya x 

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