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So... You Want to Be A Transvestite?

Chapter One - Might I Already BE a Transvestite?
The COGRIATI Test

The first question that prospective transvestites should ask themselves is: "What if I'm already a transvestite and don't even realise it?". Before going any further, it's worth spending some time finding out if you're already a transvestite. You never know, you might save yourself valuable time and money!

To make things easier for you to find out,  we've provided the University of Yarmouth's COmplete Guesswork for Roughly Identifying A TransvestIte test, also known as the GOGRIATI test.

[Becky's Note: I have modified this section from the original paperback to make full use of the interactivity available on the internet. And, unusually for me, there is proper programming behind it all, so if you choose different answers you get a different result. Cool, eh?]

  1. Complete the following statement: "I shave..."
    "... my face every day before work."
    "... my legs when I have to. But my face is naturally hairless."
    "... my entire body regularly."
    "... my legs. But only because it helps with swimming! Honest!"
    "... my head. It makes me look hard."
     
  2. When was the first time you tasted lipstick?
    When I snogged a girl with braces and a squint at the school disco.
    When my mum leant me some of her old makeup to play with.
    When I borrowed Mum's Number 17 from her bedroom drawer.
    When I (reluctantly, honest!) took the girl's role in a school play.
    When I ate one because it was the only thing vaguely edible in the house.
     
  3. When was the last time you tasted lipstick?
    When I kissed a real girl on the lips. Possibly with tongues.
    When I put some on this morning before going to work.
    When I put some on the other day, with all the rest of my makeup, and admired myself in the mirror.
    When I (accidentally, honest!) grabbed what I thought was my wife's lip balm and put it on. And then admired myself in the mirror.
    When I put some on my hand and kissed it and pretended it was a real woman.
     
  4. Complete this sentence: "Seeing a good looking tranny makes me..."
    Nervous. He might do something to frighten the horses.
    Wonder why they go to all the bother.
    Jealous. Why can I never look that good? Bitch.
    Curious. I mean, how can they do that? You wouldn't catch me doing that, oh no!
    Sexually excited. And then I have to go and lie down.
     
  5. Complete the sentence: "In internet chatrooms I pretend to..."
    Not be bothered what the women I'm chatting to look in real life.
    Be interested in what the men trying to chat me up are saying.
    Be interested in other trannies shoe sizes.
    Be a girl. But only for a bit of fun, honest!
    Have a personality. Whilst trying to find trannies to chat up.

     
  6. You're in the Kilroy studio audience for a show about trannies. Are you:
    In the back row wishing you'd never gone and hoping no-one you know is watching this.
    In the middle row with your husband wondering why he wanted to come.
    In the front row wearing a completely inappropriate Little Black Dress and too much makeup.
    Right behind the tranny in the LBD trying surreptitiously to read the label on it.
    By the exit with a wilted bunch of flowers trying to pluck up the courage to ask the tranny in the front row out for a date at the end of the show.
     
  7. How many times have you been to The Rocky Horror show?
    Once. A lot of people were dressed as women, I found it vaguely distasteful.
    Once, with the girls from the office. We had a whale of a time.
    Once. It took me five hours to get ready. I bought the outfit specially. I was disappointed cos no-one else had bothered to make as much effort as I had.
    Fifteen times. I really enjoy the songs, it's not because I get a chance to put on sussies and fishnets. Honest
    Never. I prefer wrestling to musicals.

     
  8. What does this shape suggest to you:
    It's a circle.
    It's a transparent attempt to make this quiz seem deeper than it actually is.
    I dunno, what's the girliest answer I could give?
    I dunno, what's the least girly answer I could give?
    I can't get a real girlfriend, you know. I don't know whether that's relevant.